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(cut-n-pasty; I'll fix up all the links and such tomorra.)
 
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Most of the dialog of the [[Television shows|television series]] [[w:Firefly (television series)|Firefly]] was written by [[w:Joss Whedon|Joss Whedon]] and [[w:Tim Minear|Tim Minear]].
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Most of the dialog of the television series Firefly was written by [[Joss Whedon]] and [[Tim Minear]].
   
 
'''Warning: [[w:Wikipedia:Spoiler warning|Plot details follow]].'''
 
'''Warning: [[w:Wikipedia:Spoiler warning|Plot details follow]].'''
   
==''Serenity''==
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==''[[Serenity (episode)|Serenity]]''==
'''[[w:Nathan Fillion|Mal]]:''' We've done the impossible, and that makes us mighty.
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'''[[Mal]]:''' We've done the impossible, and that makes us mighty.
   
 
'''Mal:''' We're not gonna die. We can't die, Bendis. You know why? Because we are so ''very'' pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die.
 
'''Mal:''' We're not gonna die. We can't die, Bendis. You know why? Because we are so ''very'' pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die.
   
 
''[Deleted scene, soldiers in Serenity valley, seeing med ships.]''<br />
 
''[Deleted scene, soldiers in Serenity valley, seeing med ships.]''<br />
'''[[w:Gina Torres|Zoë]]:''' Whose colors are they flying? [...] Are we really getting out?<br />
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'''[[Zoë]]:''' Whose colors are they flying? [...] Are we really getting out?<br />
 
'''Mal:''' We are.<br />
 
'''Mal:''' We are.<br />
 
'''Zoë:''' ''[almost crying]'' Thank God.<br />
 
'''Zoë:''' ''[almost crying]'' Thank God.<br />
 
'''Mal:''' God? Whose color is he flying?
 
'''Mal:''' God? Whose color is he flying?
   
''[Wash, playing with [[w:Plastic|plastic]] [[w:Dinosaur|dinosaurs]].]''<br />
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''[Wash, playing with plastic dinosaurs.]''<br />
'''[[w:Alan Tudyk|Wash]]'s [[w:Stegosaurus|Stegosaurus]]:''' Yes. Yes, this is a fertile land, and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land, and we will call it... "This Land.".<br />
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'''[[Wash]]'s Stegosaurus:''' Yes. Yes, this is a fertile land, and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land, and we will call it... "This Land.".<br />
'''Wash's [[w:Allosaurus|Allosaurus]]:''' I think we should call it "your grave!".<br />
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'''Wash's Allosaurus:''' I think we should call it "your grave!".<br />
 
'''Stegosaurus:''' Ah, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!<br />
 
'''Stegosaurus:''' Ah, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!<br />
 
'''Allosaurus:''' Har har har! Mine is an evil laugh! Now die!<br />
 
'''Allosaurus:''' Har har har! Mine is an evil laugh! Now die!<br />
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'''Stegosaurus:''' Oh, no, God! Oh, dear God in heaven!
 
'''Stegosaurus:''' Oh, no, God! Oh, dear God in heaven!
   
'''[[w:Adam Baldwin|Jayne]]:''' Any one you walk away from, right? Long as those crates aren't empty, I call this a win.<br />
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'''[[Jayne]]:''' Any one you walk away from, right? Long as those crates aren't empty, I call this a win.<br />
 
'''Mal:''' Right. ''[sad look]'' We win.
 
'''Mal:''' Right. ''[sad look]'' We win.
   
 
'''Jayne:''' Captain, can you stop her from bein' cheerful, please?<br />
 
'''Jayne:''' Captain, can you stop her from bein' cheerful, please?<br />
'''Mal:''' I don't believe there is a [[#War stories|power in the 'verse that can stop]] Kaylee from being cheerful.
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'''Mal:''' I don't believe there is a [[War Stories|power in the 'verse that can stop]] Kaylee from being cheerful.
   
'''Wash:''' Sweetie, we're crooks. If everything were right, we'd be in [[w:Prison|jail]].
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'''Wash:''' Sweetie, we're crooks. If everything were right, we'd be in jail.
   
 
'''Zoë:''' We still gotta drop the goods.<br />
 
'''Zoë:''' We still gotta drop the goods.<br />
'''Wash:''' And when we do, we fly off to Boros rich and prosperous. Well, less poor.
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'''Wash:''' And when we do, we fly off to [[Boros]] rich and prosperous. Well, less poor.
   
'''[[w:Mark Sheppard|Badger]]:''' Crime and politics, little girl: the situation is always... fluid.
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'''[[Badger]]:''' Crime and politics, little girl: the situation is always... fluid.
   
'''Jayne:''' Ten percent of nothing is, let me do the [[w:Mathematics|math]] here, nothing into nothing, carry the...<br />
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'''Jayne:''' Ten percent of nothing is, let me do the math here, nothing into nothing, carry the nothin'...<br />
 
'''Mal:''' Jayne, your mouth is talking. You might wanna look to that.
 
'''Mal:''' Jayne, your mouth is talking. You might wanna look to that.
   
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'''Mal:''' Politely.
 
'''Mal:''' Politely.
   
'''[[w:Ron Glass|Book]]:''' Captain, you mind if I say grace?<br />
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'''[[Book]]:''' Captain, you mind if I say grace?<br />
 
'''Mal:''' Only if you say it out loud.
 
'''Mal:''' Only if you say it out loud.
   
'''[[w:Morena Baccarin|Inara]]:''' So. Would you like to lecture me the wickedness of my ways?<br />
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'''[[Inara]]:''' So. Would you like to lecture me the wickedness of my ways?<br />
 
'''Book:''' [...] if you'd prefer a lecture, I've a few very catchy ones prepped. Sin and hellfire... one has lepers.<br />
 
'''Book:''' [...] if you'd prefer a lecture, I've a few very catchy ones prepped. Sin and hellfire... one has lepers.<br />
 
'''Inara:''' ''[smiling]'' I think I'll pass.
 
'''Inara:''' ''[smiling]'' I think I'll pass.
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'''Jayne:''' ''[to Dobson, with a knife]'' He was non-specific as to how.<br />
 
'''Jayne:''' ''[to Dobson, with a knife]'' He was non-specific as to how.<br />
 
'''Mal:''' ''[softly to Jayne]'' Now you only gotta scare him.<br />
 
'''Mal:''' ''[softly to Jayne]'' Now you only gotta scare him.<br />
'''Jayne:''' Pain is scary...
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'''Jayne:''' Pain is scary...!
   
'''[[w:Sean Maher|Simon]]:''' What happens if they board us?<br />
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'''Simon:''' What happens if they board us?<br />
 
'''Zoë:''' If they take the ship they will rape us to death, eat our flesh, and sew our skins in to their clothing, and if we're very, very lucky, they’ll do it in that order.
 
'''Zoë:''' If they take the ship they will rape us to death, eat our flesh, and sew our skins in to their clothing, and if we're very, very lucky, they’ll do it in that order.
   
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'''Mal:''' Now I did a job. I got nothing but trouble since I did it, not to mention more than a few unkind words as regard to my character so let me make this abundantly clear. I ''do the job''. And then I get ''paid''.
 
'''Mal:''' Now I did a job. I got nothing but trouble since I did it, not to mention more than a few unkind words as regard to my character so let me make this abundantly clear. I ''do the job''. And then I get ''paid''.
   
'''Wash''' ''[speaking about incoming reaver ship]'' I guess they got hungry again...
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'''Wash''' ''[speaking about incoming [[Reaver]] ship]'' I guess they got hungry again...
   
 
'''Dobson:''' Anybody makes so much as a ''[Mal, entering the ship, shoots him in the head.]''
 
'''Dobson:''' Anybody makes so much as a ''[Mal, entering the ship, shoots him in the head.]''
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'''Wash:''' If everybody could just be quiet a moment...
 
'''Wash:''' If everybody could just be quiet a moment...
   
'''Wash:''' I don't mean to alarm anybody, but I think we're being followed
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'''Wash:''' I don't mean to alarm anybody, but I think we're being followed.
   
''[After Wash executes a brilliant escape from the reavers, Zoë turns to Mal.]''<br />
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''[After her husband Wash executes a brilliant escape from the reavers, Zoë turns to Mal.]''<br />
 
'''Zoë:''' Sir? I like you to take the helm, please. I need this man to tear all my clothes off.<br />
 
'''Zoë:''' Sir? I like you to take the helm, please. I need this man to tear all my clothes off.<br />
 
'''Wash:''' Work, work, work...
 
'''Wash:''' Work, work, work...
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'''Mal:''' It's enough.
 
'''Mal:''' It's enough.
   
==''The train job''==
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==''[[The Train Job]]''==
:''Mal:'' Say that to my face.
+
'''Mal:''' Say that to my face.<br />
:''[[w:Tom Towles|Lund]]:'' I said, you're a coward, and a pisspot. Now what are you gonna do about it?
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'''[[Lund]]:''' I said, you're a coward, and a pisspot. Now what are you gonna do about it?<br />
:''Mal:'' Nothin'. I just wanted you to face me so she could get behind ya.
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'''Mal:''' Nothin'. I just wanted you to face me so she could get behind ya.<br />
:''[Zoë punches Lund.]''
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''[Zoë punches Lund.]''<br />
:''Mal:'' Drunks are so cute.
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'''Mal:''' Drunks are so cute.
   
:''Mal:'' This is why we lost, you know. Superior numbers.
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'''Mal:''' This is why we lost, you know. Superior numbers.<br />
:''Zoë:'' Thanks for the re-enactment, sir.
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'''Zoë:''' Thanks for the re-enactment, sir.
   
:''Mal:'' See, this is another sign of your tragic space dementia, all paranoid and crotchety.
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'''Mal:''' See, this is another sign of your tragic space dementia, all paranoid and crotchety.
   
:''Mal:'' It's nothin'
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'''Mal:''' It's nothin'.<br />
:''Simon:'' I expect there's someone's face feels differently.
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'''Simon:''' I expect there's someone's face feels differently. <br />
:''Mal:'' Well, they tell ya, never hit a man with a closed fist, but it is on occasion hilarious.
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'''Mal:''' Well, they tell ya, never hit a man with a closed fist, but it is on occasion hilarious.
   
:''Mal:'' Well, what about you, Shepherd? How come you're flying about with us brigands? I mean, shouldn't you be off bringing religiosity to the Fuzzie-Wuzzies or some such?
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'''Mal:''' Well, what about you, Shepherd? How come you're flying about with us brigands? I mean, shouldn't you be off bringing religiosity to the Fuzzie-Wuzzies or some such?<br />
:''Book:'' Oh, I got heathens aplenty right here.
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'''Book:''' Oh, I got heathens aplenty right here.<br />
:''Mal:'' If I'm your mission, Shepherd, best give it up. You're welcome on my boat. God ain't.
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'''Mal:''' If I'm your mission, Shepherd, best give it up. You're welcome on my boat. God ain't.
   
:''Inara:'' What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle?
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'''Inara:''' What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle?<br />
:''Mal:'' That it was manly and impulsive?
+
'''Mal:''' That it was manly and impulsive?<br />
:''Inara:'' Yes, precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was "don't".
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'''Inara:''' Yes, precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was "don't".
   
:''Mal:'' Kaylee, what the hell's goin' on in the engine room? Were there monkeys? Some terrifying [[w:Monkeys in space|space monkeys]] maybe got loose?
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'''Mal:''' Kaylee, what the hell's goin' on in the engine room? Were there monkeys? Some terrifying space monkeys maybe got loose? <br />
:''Kaylee:'' I had to rewire the grav thrust because somebody won't replace that [[#Out of gas|crappy compression coil]].
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'''Kaylee:''' I had to rewire the grav thrust because somebody won't replace that [[Out of Gas|crappy compression coil]].
   
:''Mal:'' He's not the first psycho to hire us, nor the last. You think that's a commentary on us?
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'''Mal:''' He's not the first psycho to hire us, nor the last. You think that's a commentary on us?
   
:''Zoë:'' Sir, is there some information we might maybe be lacking as to why there's an entire fedsquad sitting on this train?
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'''Zoë:''' Sir, is there some information we might maybe be lacking as to why there's an entire fedsquad sitting on this train?<br />
:''Mal:'' Doesn't concern us.
+
'''Mal:''' Doesn't concern us.<br />
:''Zoë:'' It kinda concerns me.
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'''Zoë:''' It kinda concerns me.
   
:''Zoë:'' Sir? I think you have a problem with your [[#Ariel|brain being missing]].
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'''Zoë:''' Sir? I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.
   
:''Jayne:'' Time for some thrilling heroics.
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'''Jayne:''' Time for some thrilling heroics.
   
:''Jayne:'' You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with until you understand who's in ruttin' command here.
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'''Jayne:''' You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with until you understand who's in ruttin' command here.
   
:''Jayne:'' You've got the light.. from the console.. keep you, lift you up. They shine like... ''[he tries to catch the light in his hands]'' ...little angels... ''[the drugged Jayne falls down]''
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'''Jayne:''' You've got the light.. from the console.. keep you, lift you up. They shine like... ''[he tries to catch the light in his hands]'' ...little angels... ''[the drugged Jayne falls down]''<br />
:''Wash:'' Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?
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'''Wash:''' Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?
   
:''[Jayne is lying on the floor outside the infermary.]''
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''[Jayne is lying on the landing of the stairway.]''<br />
:''Kaylee:'' We tried to get him into the infirmary, he's just heavy.
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'''Kaylee:'' We tried to get him into the infirmary, he's just heavy.
   
:''Mal:'' Now this is all the money Niska gave us in advance. You bring it back to him, tell him the job didn't work out. ''[Crow spits.]'' We're not thieves &mdash; but we are thieves. Point is we're not takin' what's his. Now we'll stay out of his way the best we can from here on in. You explain that that's best for everyone, okay?
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'''Mal:''' Now this is all the money Niska gave us in advance. You bring it back to him, tell him the job didn't work out. ''[Crow spits.]'' We're not thieves &mdash; well, we are thieves. Point is we're not takin' what's his. Now we'll stay out of his way the best we can from here on in. You explain that that's best for everyone, okay?<br />
:''[[w:Andrew Bryniarski|Crow]]:'' Keep the money. Use it to buy a funeral. It doesn't matter where you go, or how far you fly. I will hunt you down, and the last thing you see will be my blade.
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'''[[Crow]]:''' Keep the money. Use it to buy a funeral. It doesn't matter where you go, or how far you fly. I will hunt you down, and the last thing you see will be my blade.<br />
:''Mal:'' Darn. ''[Mal kills Crow by kicking him into the engine intakes. A second henchman of Niska is brought forward.]'' Now this is all the money Niska gave us in advance...
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'''Mal:''' Darn. ''[Mal kills Crow by kicking him into the engine intakes. A second henchman of Niska is brought forward.]'' Now this is all the money Niska gave us in advance...<br />
:''Henchman:'' Oh, I'm good. Best thing for everyone. I'm right there with you.
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'''Henchman:''' Oh, I'm good. Best thing for everyone. I'm right there with you.
   
==''Bushwhacked''==
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==''[[Bushwhacked]]''==
:''[[w:Gina Torres|Zoë]]:'' Proximity alert. Must be coming up on something.
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'''[[Zoë]]:''' Proximity alert. Must be coming up on something.<br />
:''[[w:Alan Tudyk|Wash]]: [alarmed]'' Oh my god. What can it be? We're all doomed! Who's flying this thing!? ''[deadpan]'' Oh right, that would be me. Back to work.''
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'''[[Wash]]:''' ''[alarmed]'' Oh my god. What can it be? We're all doomed! Who's flying this thing!? ''[deadpan]'' Oh right, that would be me. Back to work.''
   
:''[[w:Adam Baldwin|Jayne]]:'' Looked bigger when I couldn't see him.
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'''[[Jayne]]:''' Looked bigger when I couldn't see him.
   
:''[[w:Jewel Staite|Kaylee]]: [about bypassing a boobytrap]'' Sure. Yeah. I think so. 'Sides, if I mess up, not like you'll be able to yell at me.
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'''[[Kaylee]]:''' ''[about bypassing a boobytrap]'' Sure. Yeah. I think so. 'Sides, if I mess up, not like you'll be able to yell at me.
   
:''[[w:Doug Savant|Harken]]:'' You fought with Captain Reynolds in the war?
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'''[[Harken]]:''' You fought with Captain Reynolds in the war? <br />
:''Zoë:'' Fought with a lot of people in the war.
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'''Zoë:''' Fought with a lot of people in the war. <br />
:''Harken:'' And your husband?
+
'''Harken:''' And your husband? <br />
:''Zoë:'' Fight with him sometimes, too.
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'''Zoë:''' Fight with him sometimes, too. <br />
:''Harken:'' Is there any particular reason you don't wish to discuss your marriage?
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'''Harken:''' Is there any particular reason you don't wish to discuss your marriage? <br />
:''Zoë:'' Don't see that it's any of your business, is all. We're very private people.
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'''Zoë:''' Don't see that it's any of your business, is all. We're very private people.<br />
:''Wash: [Zoë's husband]'' The legs. Oh yeah, definitely have to say it was her legs. You can put that down. Her legs, and where her legs meet her back. Actually, that whole area. That, and above it. ''[...]'' Have you seen what she wears? Forget about it. Have you ever been with a warrior woman?
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-- cut to:<br />
  +
'''Wash:''' ''[Zoë's husband]'' The legs. Oh yeah, definitely have to say it was her legs. You can put that down. Her legs, and where her legs meet her back. Actually, that whole area. That, and above it. ''[...]'' Have you seen what she wears? Forget about it. Have you ever been with a warrior woman?
   
:''Harken:'' Seems odd you'd name your ship after a battle you were on the wrong side of.
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'''Harken:''' Seems odd you'd name your ship after a battle you were on the wrong side of.<br />
:''[[w:Nathan Fillion|Mal]]:'' May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one.
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'''[[Mal]]:''' May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one.
   
:''Mal:'' That poor bastard you took off my ship. [[Friedrich Nietzsche#Sourced:|He looked right into the face of it]]. Was made to stare.
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'''Mal:''' That poor bastard you took off my ship. He looked right into the face of it. Was made to stare. <br />
:''Harken:'' "It"?
+
'''Harken:''' "It"? <br />
:''Mal:'' The darkness. Kind of darkness you can't even imagine. Blacker than the space it moves through.
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'''Mal:''' The darkness. Kind of darkness you can't even imagine. Blacker than the space it moves through. <br />
:''Harken:'' Very poetic.
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'''Harken:''' Very poetic. <br />
:''Mal:'' They made him watch. He probably tried to turn away, and they wouldn't let him. You call him a survivor? He's not. A man comes up against that kind of will, the only way to deal with it, I suspect, is to become it.
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'''Mal:''' They made him watch. He probably tried to turn away, and they wouldn't let him. You call him a survivor? He's not. A man comes up against that kind of will, the only way to deal with it, I suspect, is to become it.
   
:''[[w:Adam Baldwin|Jayne]]:'' You saved his gorram life, he still takes the cargo.
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'''[[Jayne]]:''' You saved his gorram life, he still takes the cargo.<br />
:''Mal:'' He had to.... couldn't let us profit. Wouldn't be civilized.
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'''Mal:''' He had to.... couldn't let us profit. Wouldn't be civilized.
   
==''Shindig''==
+
==''[[Shindig]]''==
:''[[w:Gina Torres|Zoë]]:'' [[w:Planet|Planet's]] coming up a mite fast.
+
'''[[Zoë]]:''' Planet's coming up a mite fast.<br />
:''[[w:Alan Tudyk|Wash]]:'' That's just cause, I'm going down too quick. Likely crash and kill us all.
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'''[[Wash]]:''' That's just cause, I'm going down too quick. Likely crash and kill us all.<br />
:''[[w:Nathan Fillion|Mal]]:'' When that happens, let me know.
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'''[[Mal]]:''' When that happens, let me know.
   
:''Mal:'' It's sounds like the finest party I can imagine getting paid to go to.
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'''Mal:''' It's sounds like the finest party I can imagine getting paid to go to.<br />
:''[[w:Morena Baccarin|Inara]]'' I don't suppose you'd find it up to standards of your outings. More conversation and somewhat less petty theft and getting hit with pool cues.
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'''[[Inara]]:''' I don't suppose you'd find it up to standards of your outings. More conversation and somewhat less petty theft and getting hit with pool cues.
   
:''Wash:'' You want a slinky dress? I can buy you a slinky dress. Captain, can I have money for a slinky dress?
+
'''Wash:''' You want a slinky dress? I can buy you a slinky dress. Captain, can I have money for a slinky dress?<br />
:''[[w:Adam Baldwin|Jayne]]'' I'll chip in.
+
'''[[Jayne]]:''' I'll chip in.<br />
:''[[w:Gina Torres|Zoë]]:'' (to Jayne, smiling) I can hurt you.
+
'''[[Zoë]]:''' (to Jayne, smiling) I can hurt you.
   
  +
'''Mal:''' ''[to Badger]'' You backed out of a deal last time. Left us hanging.<br />
  +
'''[[Jayne]]:''' Hurt our feelings.
   
:''Mal: [to Badger]'' You backed out of a deal last time. Left us hanging.''
+
'''Badger:''' You think you're better than other people.<br />
:''[[w:Adam Baldwin|Jayne]]'': Hurt our feelings.
+
'''Mal:''' Just the ones I'm better than.
   
:''Badger:'' You think you're better than other people.
+
'''Mal:''' He wears a red sash crossways.<br />
:''Mal:'' Just the ones I'm better than.
+
'''[[Kaylee]]:''' Why does he do that?<br />
  +
'''Mal:''' Maybe he won the Miss Persephone Pageant. Just help me look.<br />
  +
'''Kaylee:''' Is that him?<br />
  +
'''Mal:''' That's the buffet table...<br />
  +
'''Kaylee:''' Well how can we be sure, unless we question it?
   
:''Mal:'' wears a red sash crossways.
+
'''Wash:''' Sleepiness is weakness of character. Ask anyone.
:''[[w:Jewel Staite|Kaylee]]:'' Why does he do that?
 
:''Mal:'' Maybe he won the Miss Persephone [[w:Beauty contest|Pageant]]. Just help me look.
 
:''Kaylee:'' Is that him?
 
:''Mal:'' That's the buffet table...
 
:''Kaylee:'' Well how can we be sure, unless we question it?
 
   
:''Wash:'' Sleepiness is weakness of character. Ask anyone.
+
'''Wash:''' Here lies my beloved Zoe, my autumn flower, somewhat less attractive now she's all corpsified and gross...
   
:''Wash:'' Here lies my beloved Zoe, my [[w:autumn|autumn]] flower, somewhat less attractive now she's all corpsified and gross...
+
'''[[Sir Warrick Harrow]]:''' I know him. And I think he's a psychotic low-life.<br />
  +
'''Mal:''' And I think calling him that is an insult to the psychotic low-life community.
   
:''Sir Warrick Harrow:'' I know him. And I think he's a psychotic low-life.
+
'''Mal:''' My work's illegal, but at least it's honest.
:''Mal:'' And I think calling him that is an insult to the psychotic low-life community.
 
   
:''Mal:'' My work's illegal, but at least it's honest.
+
'''Mal:''' And I never back down from a fight.<br />
  +
'''Inara:''' Yes, you do! You do all the time!
   
:''Mal:'' And I never back down from a fight.
+
'''Mal:''' Mercy is the mark of a great man. ''[stabs [[Atherton]]]'' Guess I'm just a good man. ''[stabs Atherton again]'' Well, I'm all right.
:''Inara:'' Yes, you do! You do all the time!
 
   
:''Mal:'' Mercy is the mark of a great man. ''[stabs Atherton]'' Guess I'm just a good man. ''[stabs Atherton again]'' Well, I'm all right.
+
'''Inara:''' Are you in pain?<br />
  +
'''Mal:''' Absolutely. I got stabbed, you know, right here. [lifting shirt]<br />
  +
'''Inara:''' ''[squeamish]'' I saw.<br />
  +
'''Mal:''' Don't care much for fancy parties. Too rough.<br />
  +
'''Inara:''' It wasn't entirely a disaster.<br />
  +
'''Mal:''' I got stabbed! Right here!
   
:''Inara:'' Are you in pain?
+
==''[[Safe]]''==
:''Mal:'' Absolutely. I got stabbed, you know, right here.
+
'''Young [[River]]:''' ''[playing behind a couch]'' We got outflanked by the independent squad, and we're never gonna make it back to our platoon. We need to resort to cannibalism. <br />
:''Inara: [squemish]'' I saw.
+
'''Young [[Simon]]:''' That was fast. Don't we have rations or anything?
:''Mal:'' Don't care much for fancy parties. Too rough.
 
:''Inara:'' It wasn't entirely a disaster.
 
:''Mal:'' I got stabbed! Right here!
 
   
==''Safe''==
+
'''Young River:''' ''[About Simon's homework]'' That's wrong.<br />
:''Young River: [playing behind a couch]'' We got outflanked by the independent squad, and we're never gonna make it back to our platoon. We need to resort to cannibalism.
+
'''Young Simon:''' It's from the book, River. <br />
:''Young Simon:'' That was fast. Don't we have rations or anything?
+
'''Young River:''' No, the book is wrong. This whole conclusion is fallacious.
   
:''Young River: [About Simon's homework]'' That's wrong.
+
'''[[Gabriel Tam]]:''' I will not have it in my house. But since your mother's already ordered you one, I guess I should give up the fantasy that this is my house.
:''Young Simon:'' It's from the book, River.
 
:''Young River:'' No, the book is wrong. This whole conclusion is fallacious.
 
   
:''Gabriel Tam:'' I will not have it in my house. But since your mother's already ordered you one, I guess I should give up the fantasy that this is my house.
+
'''[[Mal]]:''' So, she's added cussing and hurling about of things to her repertoire. She really is a prodigy. <br />
  +
'''Simon:''' It's just a bad day. <br />
  +
'''Mal:''' No, a bad day is when someone's yellin' spooks the cattle. Understand? You ever see cattle stampede when they got no place to run? It's kind of like a... a meat grinder. And it'll lose us half the herd. <br />
  +
'''Simon:''' She hasn't gone anywhere near the cattle. <br />
  +
'''Mal:''' No, but in case you hadn't noticed, her voice kinda carries. We're two miles above ground and they can probably hear her down there. Soon as we unload, she can holler until our ears bleed. Although I would take it as a kindness if she didn't. <br />
  +
'''River:''' The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.<br />
  +
'''Mal:''' See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with, long as she does it quiet-like.
   
:''[[w:Nathan Fillion|Mal]]:'' So, she's added cussing and hurling about of things to her repertoire. She really is a prodigy.
+
'''[[Jayne]]:''' ''[to Simon stepping in a cow pie]'' 'Bout time you broke in them pretty shoes.
:''[[w:Sean Maher|Simon]]:'' It's just a bad day.
 
:''Mal:'' No, a bad day is when someone's yellin' spooks the cattle. Understand? You ever see cattle stampede when they got no place to run? It's kind of like a... a meat grinder. And it'll lose us half the herd.
 
:''Simon:'' She hasn't gone anywhere near the cattle.
 
:''Mal:'' No, but in case you hadn't noticed, her voice kinda carries. We're two miles above ground and they can probably hear her down there. Soon as we unload, she can holler until our ears bleed. Although I would take it as a kindness if she didn't.
 
:''[[w:Summer Glau|River]]:'' The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.
 
:''Mal:'' See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with, long as she does it quiet-like.
 
   
:''[[w:Adam Baldwin|Jayne]]: [to Simon stepping in a cow pie]'' 'Bout time you broke in them pretty shoes.
+
'''Mal:''' ''[about cattle]'' You know... they walk just as fast if you lead 'em. <br />
  +
'''Jayne:''' I just like smackin' 'em.
   
:''Mal: [about cattle]'' You know... they walk just as fast if you lead 'em.
+
'''[[Zoë]]:''' Next time we smuggle stock, let's make it something smaller. <br />
:''Jayne:'' I like smackin' 'em.
+
'''[[Wash]]:''' Yeah, we should start dealing in those black-market beagles.
   
:''[[w:Gina Torres|Zoë]]:'' Next time we smuggle stock, let's make it something smaller.
+
'''River:''' They weren't cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see the sky and they remember what they are. <br />
:''[[w:Alan Tudyk|Wash]]:'' Yeah, we should start dealing in those black-market beagles.
+
'''Mal:''' Is it bad that what she said made perfect sense to me?
   
:''River:'' They weren't cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see the sky and they remember what they are.
+
'''Simon:''' I'm very sorry if she tipped off anyone about your cunningly concealed herd of cows.
:''Mal:'' Is it bad that what she said made perfect sense to me?
 
   
:''Simon:'' I'm very sorry if she tipped off anyone about your cunningly concealed herd of cows.
+
'''[[Inara]]:''' Does it seem every supply store on every 'water planet has the same five rag dolls and the same wood carvings of... what is this? A duck? <br />
  +
'''[[Kaylee]]:''' That's a swan. I like it.<br />
  +
'''Inara:''' You do? <br />
  +
'''Kaylee:''' ''[stroking swan]'' Looks like it was made with, you know, longing. Made by a person really longed to see a swan. <br />
  +
'''Inara:''' Perhaps they'd only heard of them by rough description.
   
:''[[w:Morena Baccarin|Inara]]:'' Does it seem every supply store on every 'water planet has the same five rag dolls and the same wood carvings of... what is this? A duck?
+
'''Simon:''' It's fun, being forced to the ass-end of the galaxy. To get to live on a piece of lèsè ''[crappy]'' wreck. And to eat molded protein. And to be bullied around by our pien juh duh jiou chiao ren of a captain. It's fun.<br />
:''[[w:Jewel Staite|Kaylee]]:'' That's a swan. I like it.
+
'''Kaylee:''' ''[offended]'' Lèsè?
:''Inara:'' You do?
 
:''Kaylee: [stroking swan]'' Looks like it was made with, you know, longing. Made by a person really longed to see a swan.
 
:''Inara:'' Perhaps they'd only heard of them by rough description.
 
   
:''Simon:'' It's fun, being forced to the ass-end of the galaxy. To get to live on a piece of lèsè ''[crappy]'' wreck. And to eat molded protein. And to be bullied around by our pien juh duh jiou chiao ren of a captain. It's fun.
+
'''Mal:''' This is the last time. Last time with cows. Hear there was an idea regarding beagles? They have smallish droppings? <br />
:''Kaylee [a mechanic]:'' Lèsè?
+
'''Zoë:''' I believe so, sir. Also, your disreputable men are here. <br />
  +
'''Mal:''' Better go take their money.
   
:''Mal:'' This is the last time. Last time with cows. Hear there was an idea regarding beagles? They have smallish droppings?
+
'''[[Book]]:''' That's... that's quite a lot of blood, isn't it? <br />
:''Zoë:'' I believe so, sir. Also, your disreputable men are here.
+
'''Mal:''' Just means you ain't dead.<br />
:''Mal:'' Better go take their money.
+
'''Book [a preacher]:''' Afraid I might be needing a preacher. <br />
  +
'''Mal:''' That's good. You lie there and be ironical.
   
:''[[w:Ron Glass|Book]]:'' That's... that's quite a lot of blood, isn't it?
+
'''River:''' We're lost... lost in the woods.
:''Mal:'' Just means you ain't dead.
 
:''Book [a preacher]:'' Afraid I might be needing a preacher.
 
:''Mal:'' That's good. You lie there and be ironical.
 
   
:''River:'' We're lost... lost in the woods.
+
'''Zoë:''' Knew a man who had a hole clean through his whole shoulder, once. Used to keep a spare hankie in there.
   
:''Zoë:'' Knew a man who had a hole clean through his whole shoulder, once. Used to keep a spare hankie in there.
+
'''Jayne:''' ''[faux-reading Simon's journal]'' "Dear Diary, Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy. ''[flips page]'' Today we were kidnapped by hill folk never to be seen again. It was the best day ever."
   
:''Jayne: [faux-reading Simon's journal]'' "Dear Diary, Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy. ''[flips page]'' Today we were kidnapped by hill folk never to be seen again. It was the best day ever."
+
'''Zoë:''' Captain will come up with a plan. <br />
  +
'''Kaylee:''' That's good. Right? <br />
  +
'''Zoë:''' Possibly you're not recalling some of his previous plans.
   
:''Zoë:'' Captain will come up with a plan.
+
'''Zoë:''' You sanguine about the kind of reception we're up to receive on an Alliance ship, Cap? <br />
:''Kaylee:'' That's good. Right?
+
'''Mal:''' Absolutely. What's "sanguine" mean? <br />
:''Zoë:'' Possibly you're not recalling some of his previous plans.
+
'''Zoë:''' "Sanguine." Hopeful. Plus, point of interest, it also means "bloody." <br />
  +
'''Mal:''' Well, that pretty much covers all the options, don't it?
   
:''Zoë:'' You sanguine about the kind of reception we're up to receive on an Alliance ship, Cap?
+
'''Alliance commander:''' We aren't an emergency facility, Captain. Our services aren't available simply to anyone.<br />
:''Mal:'' Absolutely. What's "sanguine" mean?
+
'''Book:''' Com... mander... my... ident card. <br />
:''Zoë:'' "Sanguine." Hopeful. Plus, point of interest, it also means "bloody."
+
'''Alliance commander:''' ''[seeing who Book is]'' Get this man to the infirmary at once.
:''Mal:'' Well, that pretty much covers all the options, don't it?
 
   
:''Alliance commander:'' We aren't an emergency facility, Captain. Our services aren't available simply to anyone.
+
'''[[Doralee]]:''' A place like this might be good for your sister. Quiet. Safe. A place where folks take care of each other. <br />
:''Book:'' Com... mander... my... ident card.
+
'''Simon:''' Mmm, yes, seems like a lovely little community of kidnappers.
:''Alliance commander: [seeing who Book is]'' Get this man to the infirmary at once.
 
   
:''Doralee:'' A place like this might be good for your sister. Quiet. Safe. A place where folks take care of each other.
+
'''Jayne:''' ''[in the Alliance cruiser Magellan]'' This place gives me an uncomfortableness.
:''Simon:'' Mmm, yes, seems like a lovely little community of kidnappers.
 
   
:''Jayne: [in the Alliance cruiser Magellan]'' This place gives me an uncomfortableness.
+
'''River:''' I get confused. I remember everything. I remember too much, and... some of it's made up, and... some of it can't be quantified, and... there's secrets.
   
:''River:'' I get confused. I remember everything. I remember too much, and... some of it's made up, and... some of it can't be quantified, and... there's secrets.
+
'''River:''' You gave up everything you had to find me. And you found me broken.
   
:''River:'' You gave up everything you had to find me. And you found me broken.
+
'''River:''' We won't be here long. Daddy will come and take us home. And I'll get better. I'll get better.
   
:''River:'' We won't be here long. Daddy will come and take us home. And I'll get better. I'll get better.
+
'''Simon:''' It's been a big day, what with the abduction and all.
   
:''Simon:'' It's been a big day, what with the abduction and all.
+
'''Doralee:''' "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live!"
   
:''Doralee:'' "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live!"
+
'''Simon:''' I'm sorry, dad. You know I would never have tried to save River's life if I had known there was a dinner party at risk.
   
:''Simon:'' I'm sorry, dad. You know I would never have tried to save River's life if I had known there was a dinner party at risk.
+
'''Book:''' I am a Shepherd. Folks like a man of God. <br />
  +
'''Mal:''' No, they don't. Men of God make everyone feel guilty and judged.
   
:''Book:'' I am a Shepherd. Folks like a man of God.
+
'''Simon:''' ''[standing on River's pyre]:'' Light it.
:''Mal:'' No, they don't. Men of God make everyone feel guilty and judged.
 
   
:''Simon [standing on River's pyre]:'' Light it.
+
'''Mal:''' Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us? <br />
  +
'''Zoë:''' Big damn heroes, sir.
   
:''Mal:'' Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
+
'''Patron:''' This is a holy cleansing. You cannot think to thwart God's will. <br />
:''Zoë:'' Big damn heroes, sir.
+
'''Mal:''' Y'all see the man hanging out of the spaceship with the really big gun? Now I'm not saying you weren't easy to find. It was kinda out of our way, and he didn't want to come in the first place. Man's lookin' to kill some folk. So really it's his will y'all should worry about thwarting. ''[to Simon]'' Gotta say, doctor, your talent for alienatin' folk is near miraculous. <br />
+
'''Simon:''' Yes, I'm very proud. <br />
:''Patron:'' This is a holy cleansing. You cannot think to thwart God's will.
+
'''Mal:''' ''[about River]'' Cut her down. <br />
:''Mal:'' Y'all see the man hanging out of the spaceship with the really big gun? Now I'm not saying you weren't easy to find. It was kinda out of our way, and he didn't want to come in the first place. Man's lookin' to kill some folk. So really it's his will y'all should worry about thwarting. ''[to Simon]'' Gotta say, doctor, your talent for alienatin' folk is near miraculous.
+
'''Patron:''' That girl is a witch. <br />
:''Simon:'' Yes, I'm very proud.
+
'''Mal:''' Yeah, but she's our witch. ''[cocks gun]'' So cut her the hell down.
:''Mal: [about River]'' Cut her down.
 
:''Patron:'' That girl is a witch.
 
:''Mal:'' Yeah, but she's our witch. ''[cocks gun]'' So cut her the hell down.
 
   
 
:''Mal:'' Well, you were busy trying to get yourself lit on fire. It happens.
 
:''Mal:'' Well, you were busy trying to get yourself lit on fire. It happens.
Line 306: Line 308:
 
:''Mal:'' So then the Shepherd says to the Companion, "Well, a good goat would do that."
 
:''Mal:'' So then the Shepherd says to the Companion, "Well, a good goat would do that."
   
==''Our Mrs. Reynolds''==
+
==''[[Our Mrs. Reynolds]]''==
:''Jayne:'' I married me a powerful ugly creature.
+
'''[[Jayne]]:''' I married me a powerful ugly creature. <br />
:''Mal:'' How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?
+
'''[[Mal]]:''' ''[dressed as Jayne's wife to lure bandits]'' How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?
   
:''Mal:'' You been bird-doggin' this township awhile now... folks 'round here wouldn't mind a corpse of you.
+
'''Mal:''' You been bird-doggin' this township awhile now... folks 'round here wouldn't mind a corpse of you.
   
:''Mal:'' I swear by my pretty flowered bonnet, I will end you.
+
'''Mal:''' I swear by my pretty flowered bonnet, I will end you.
   
:''Mal:'' Like woman, I am a mystery.
+
'''Mal:''' Like woman, I am a mystery.
   
:''Mal:'' Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back!
+
'''Mal:''' Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back!
   
:''Book:'' If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.
+
'''Book:''' If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.
   
:''[[w:Gina Torres|Zoë]]:'' Remember that sex we were planning to have, ever again?
+
'''[[Zoë]]:''' Remember that sex we were planning to have, ever again?
   
:''Jayne:'' It is my very favorite gun.
+
'''Jayne:''' It is my very favorite gun.
   
:''Mal:'' She has a name.
+
'''Mal:''' She has a name. <br />
:''Jayne:'' So does this. I call it Vera.
+
'''Jayne:''' So does this. I call it Vera.
   
:''Mal:'' Well my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.
+
'''Mal:''' Well my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.
   
:''Mal:'' Whoa! Hey! Flesh...
+
'''Mal:''' Whoa! Hey! Flesh...
   
:''Mal:'' Whoa, good Bible.
+
'''Mal:''' Whoa, good Bible.
   
:''Mal:'' It's been a while -- a long damn while -- since anybody but me took ahold of my plow.
+
'''Mal:''' It's been a while -- a long damn while -- since anybody but me took hold of my plow.
   
:''[[w:Alan Tudyk|Wash]]:'' Some people juggle geese!
+
'''[[Wash]]:''' Some people juggle geese!
   
:''Wash:'' Oh do I wish I was somebody else right now. Somebody not... married, not... *madly* in love with a beautiful woman who can kill me with her pinkie!
+
'''Wash:''' Oh do I wish I was somebody else right now. Somebody not... married, not... *madly* in love with a beautiful woman who can kill me with her pinkie!
   
:''Jayne:'' That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth.
+
'''Jayne:''' That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth.
   
:''Mal:'' But she was naked! And all... articulate!
+
'''Mal:''' But she was naked! And all... articulate!
   
:''Wash:'' Okay! Everybody not talking about sex, in here. Everyone else, out.
+
'''Wash:''' Okay! Everybody not talking about sex, in here. Everyone else, out.
   
:''Jayne:'' See, Vera? Dress yourself up, you get taken out somewhere fun.
+
'''Jayne:''' See, Vera? Dress yourself up, you get taken out somewhere fun.
   
==''Jaynestown''==
+
==''[[Jaynestown]]''==
:''Kay:'' Bye now. Have good sex.
+
'''[[Kaylee]]:''' Bye now. Have good sex.
   
:''Simon:'' All right. Fine. I'll go. Just... stop describing me.
+
'''[[Simon]]:''' All right. Fine. I'll go. Just... stop describing me.
   
:''Wash:'' (watching Simon play his role... poorly): Who is this diabolical master of disguise?
+
'''[[Wash]]:''' (watching Simon play his role... poorly): Who is this diabolical master of disguise?
   
:''Simon:'' This must be what going mad feels like.
+
'''Simon:''' This must be what going mad feels like.
   
:''Jayne:'' Instead of us hanging around playing art critic till I get pinched by the Man, how's about we move away from this eerie-ass piece of work and get on with our increasingly eerie-ass day?
+
'''[[Jayne]]:''' Instead of us hanging around playing art critic till I get pinched by the Man, how's about we move away from this eerie-ass piece of work and get on with our increasingly eerie-ass day?
   
:''River:'' Bible's broken.
+
'''[[River]]:''' Bible's broken.
   
:''Wash:'' We gotta go to the crappy town where I'm the hero!
+
'''Wash:''' We gotta go to the crappy town where I'm the hero!
   
:''Simon:'' I reattached a girl's leg. Her whole leg. She named her hamster after me. I got a hamster. He drops a box of money, he gets a town.
+
'''Simon:''' I reattached a girl's leg. Her whole leg. She named her hamster after me. I got a hamster. He drops a box of money, he gets a town.
   
:''Simon:'' To Jayne! The box-dropping, man-ape-gone-wrong-thing.
+
'''Simon:''' To Jayne! The box-dropping, man-ape-gone-wrong-thing.
   
:''River:'' [[#The message|They say the snow on the roof was too heavy. They say the ceiling will cave in.]] His brains are in terrible danger.
+
'''River:''' They say the snow on the roof was too heavy. They say the ceiling will cave in. His brains are in terrible danger.
   
:''Jayne:'' The living legend needs eggs.
+
'''Jayne:''' The living legend needs eggs.
   
:''Mal:'' Let's go get our wayward babes.
+
'''Mal:''' Let's go get our wayward babes.
   
:''Jayne:'' You think there's someone just going to drop money on you?! Money they could use?! Well there ain't people like that... There's just people like me.
+
'''Jayne:''' You think there's someone just going to drop money on you?! Money they could use?! Well there ain't people like that... There's just people like me.
   
:''River:'' Just keep walking, preacher-man.
+
'''River:''' Just keep walking, preacher-man.
   
:''Mal:'' It's my estimation that every man ever got a statue made of him was one kind of sumbitch or another.
+
'''Mal:''' It's my estimation that every man ever got a statue made of him was one kind of sumbitch or another.
   
==''Out of gas''==
+
==''[[Out of Gas]]''==
'''[[w:Nathan Fillion|Mal]]:''' You are very much lacking in imagination.<br />
+
'''[[Mal]]:''' You are very much lacking in imagination.<br />
'''[[w:Gina Torres|Zoë]]:''' I imagine that's so, sir.
+
'''[[Zoë]]:''' I imagine that's so, sir.
   
 
'''Mal:''' Try to see past what she is, on to what she can be.<br />
 
'''Mal:''' Try to see past what she is, on to what she can be.<br />
Line 393: Line 395:
 
'''Mal:''' Not so much. But she will.
 
'''Mal:''' Not so much. But she will.
   
'''[[w:Alan Tudyk|Wash]]:''' Monastic humor. I miss out on all the fun.
+
'''[[Wash]]:''' Monastic humor. I miss out on all the fun.
   
'''[[w:Adam Baldwin|Jayne]]:''' Yeah, 'cos sick people are hi-larious.
+
'''[[Jayne]]:''' Yeah, 'cos sick people are hi-larious.
   
'''[[w:Summer Glau|River]]:''' ''[about Simon's birthday]'' "Day" is a vestigial mode of time measurement based on solar cycles. It's not applicable. ''[beat]'' I didn't get you anything.
+
'''[[River]]:''' ''[about Simon's birthday]'' "Day" is a vestigial mode of time measurement based on solar cycles. It's not applicable. ''[beat]'' I didn't get you anything.
   
'''[[w:Jewel Staite|Kaylee]]:''' ''[regarding Simon's cake]'' Come on, Doc. Give a good blow.
+
'''[[Kaylee]]:''' ''[regarding Simon's cake]'' Come on, Doc. Give a good blow.
   
'''Bester:''' No can do, cap. Secondary grav boot's shot.<br />
+
'''[[Bester]]:''' No can do, Cap. Secondary grav boot's shot.<br />
 
'''Kaylee:''' No it ain't. ''[getting dressed]'' Ain't nothing wrong with your grav boot. Grav boot's just fine. Hello.<br />
 
'''Kaylee:''' No it ain't. ''[getting dressed]'' Ain't nothing wrong with your grav boot. Grav boot's just fine. Hello.<br />
'''Bester:''' She don't... that's not... ''No it ain't!''<br />
+
'''Bester:''' She don't... that's not... [to Kaylee:] ''No it ain't!''<br />
'''Kaylee:''' Sure it is. Grav boot ain't your trouble. I seen the trouble plain as day when I's down
+
'''Kaylee:''' Sure it is. Grav boot ain't your trouble. I seen the trouble plain as day when I 's down
 
there on my back. Your reg couple's bad.
 
there on my back. Your reg couple's bad.
   
 
'''Mal:''' I need that in Captain Dummy Talk.
 
'''Mal:''' I need that in Captain Dummy Talk.
   
'''[[w:Sean Maher|Simon]]:''' Suffocation's not exactly the most dignified way to go. The human body will involuntarily<br />
+
'''[[Simon]]:''' Suffocation's not exactly the most dignified way to go. The human body will involuntarily -- <br />
'''[[w:Morena Baccarin|Inara]]:''' ''[interrupting him]'' ''Please'', I don't really require a clinical description right now.<br />
+
'''[[Inara]]:''' ''[interrupting him]'' ''Please'', I don't really require a clinical description right now.<br />
'''Simon:''' I'm sorry. I just... ''[beat]'' It was my birthday
+
'''Simon:''' I'm sorry. I just... ''[beat]'' It was my birthday.
   
 
'''Wash:''' I guess the news that we're all gonna be purple and bloated and fetal in a few hours has made me little snippy.
 
'''Wash:''' I guess the news that we're all gonna be purple and bloated and fetal in a few hours has made me little snippy.
Line 427: Line 429:
   
 
'''Jayne:''' You want I should shoot 'em now, Marco?<br />
 
'''Jayne:''' You want I should shoot 'em now, Marco?<br />
'''Marco:''' Wait until they tell us where they put the stuff.<br />
+
'''[[Marco]]:''' Wait until they tell us where they put the stuff.<br />
 
'''Jayne:''' That's a good idea. A good idea. Tell us where the stuff's at so I can shoot ya.<br />
 
'''Jayne:''' That's a good idea. A good idea. Tell us where the stuff's at so I can shoot ya.<br />
 
'''Mal:''' Point of interest? Offering to shoot us, don't work so well as an incentive as you might imagine.
 
'''Mal:''' Point of interest? Offering to shoot us, don't work so well as an incentive as you might imagine.
   
'''Mal:''' I mean, let's say you did kill us. Or didn't. There could be [[#War stories|torture]]. Whatever.
+
'''Mal:''' I mean, let's say you did kill us. Or didn't. There could be torture. Whatever.
   
 
'''Mal:''' Zoë, I'm paying you too much.
 
'''Mal:''' Zoë, I'm paying you too much.
Line 437: Line 439:
 
'''Mal:''' You all gonna be here when I wake up?
 
'''Mal:''' You all gonna be here when I wake up?
   
==''Ariel''==
+
==''[[Ariel (episode)|Ariel]]''==
:''Wash:'' Can I use companion as a verb?
+
'''[[Wash]]:''' Can I use companion as a verb?
   
:''Simon:'' Could you not do that while we're... ever?
+
'''[[Simon]]:''' Could you not do that while we're... ever?
   
:''River:'' He looks better in red.
+
'''[[River]]:''' He looks better in red.
   
:''Mal:'' The patients were cynical and not responding and we couldn't bring them back.
+
'''[[Mal]]:''' The patients were cynical and not responding and we couldn't bring them back.
   
:''Mal:'' Pupils were fixed and dilapidated --
+
'''Mal:''' Pupils were fixed and dilapidated --
:''Simon:'' Dilated.
+
'''Simon:''' Dilated.
   
:''Jayne:'' If I had wanted schooling, I'da gone to school.
+
'''[[Jayne]]:''' If I had wanted schooling, I'da gone to school.
   
:''Simon:'' For this to work, River and I will have to be dead.
+
'''Simon:''' For this to work, River and I will have to be dead.
:''Jayne:'' Huh. I'm starting to like this plan.
+
'''Jayne:''' Huh. I'm starting to like this plan.
   
:''Mal:'' Look, you got a little stabbed the other day. That's bound to make anyone a mite ornery.
+
'''Mal:''' Look, you got a little stabbed the other day. That's bound to make anyone a mite ornery.
   
:''Jayne:'' Maybe I'll give him a tattoo while he's out.
+
'''Jayne:''' Maybe I'll give him a tattoo while he's out.
   
:''River:'' Your toes are in the sand.
+
'''River:''' Your toes are in the sand.
   
:''Zoë:'' Can we fly somewhere with a beach?
+
'''[[Zoë]]:''' Can we fly somewhere with a beach?
:''Wash:'' Maybe a naked beach?
+
'''Wash:''' Maybe a naked beach?
:''Zoë:'' Ooh.
+
'''Zoë:''' Ooh.
   
:''Zoë:'' Sorry, sir. Didn't mean to enjoy the moment.
+
'''Zoë:''' Sorry, sir. Didn't mean to enjoy the moment.
   
:''Jayne:'' You stop flapping that pretty mouth at me.
+
'''Jayne:''' You stop flapping that pretty mouth at me.
   
:''Mal:'' Just once I'd like things to go according to the gorram plan.
+
'''Mal:''' Just once I'd like things to go according to the gorram plan.
   
:''River:'' Two by two. Hands of blue. Two by two.
+
'''River:''' Two by two. Hands of blue. Two by two.
   
:''Jayne:'' Make something up. Don't tell 'em what I did.
+
'''Jayne:''' Make something up. Don't tell 'em what I did.
   
:''River:'' Time to go to sleep.
+
'''River:''' Time to go to sleep.
:''Simon:'' No, mei-mei... it's time to wake up.
+
'''Simon:''' No, mei-mei... it's time to wake up.
   
==''War stories''==
+
==''[[War Stories]]''==
:''Book:'' Yes, I'd forgotten you're moonlighting as a criminal mastermind now. Got your next heist planned?
+
'''[[Book]]:''' Yes, I'd forgotten you're moonlighting as a criminal mastermind now. Got your next heist planned?
:''Simon:'' No. But I'm thinking about growing a big black mustache. I'm a traditionalist.
+
'''[[Simon]]:''' No. But I'm thinking about growing a big black mustache. I'm a traditionalist.
   
:''Mal:'' I love the pitter-patter of tiny feet in huge combat boots.
+
'''[[Mal]]:''' I love the pitter-patter of tiny feet, in huge combat boots.
   
:''[Kaylee triumphantly holds up the apple she wrested from a playful River.]''
+
''[Kaylee triumphantly holds up the apple she wrested from a playful River.]''
:''Kaylee:'' No power in the 'verse can stop me.
+
'''[[Kaylee]]:''' No power in the 'verse can stop me.
   
:''[Zoë is telling the crew about a close trench conflict with the Alliance during the war.]''
+
'''[Zoë is telling the crew about a close trench conflict with the Alliance during the war.]''
:''Zoë:'' We mentioned that we were out of rations, and 10 minutes later, a bunch of apples rained into the trench.
+
'''[[Zoë]]:''' We mentioned that we were out of rations, and 10 minutes later, a bunch of apples rained into the trench.
:''Wash:'' And they grew into a big tree, and they all climbed up the tree into a magical land with unicorns and a harp.
+
'''[[Wash]]:''' And they grew into a big tree, and they all climbed up the tree into a magical land with unicorns and a harp.
   
:''Wash:'' But these apples are healthsome, good.
+
'''Wash:''' But these apples are healthsome, good.
:''Jayne:'' Grenades cost extra.
+
'''Jayne:''' Grenades cost extra.
   
:''Zoë:'' Is there any way I'm gonna get out of this with honor and dignity?
+
'''Zoë:''' Is there any way I'm gonna get out of this with honor and dignity?
:''Wash:'' You're pretty much down to ritual suicide, lambie-toes.
+
'''Wash:''' You're pretty much down to ritual suicide, lambie-toes.
   
:''Wash:'' I am a large, semi-muscular man. I can take it.
+
'''Wash:''' I am a large, semi-muscular man. I can take it.
   
:''[Simon asks River how she's doing.]''
+
''[Simon asks River how she's doing.]''
:''River:'' ''[smiles]'' Played with Kaylee. The sun came out, and&hellip; I walked on my feet, and&hellip; heard with my ears. ''[more raggedly]'' I ate the bits. The bits did stay down. And I work. I&hellip; function like I'm a girl. ''[sobbing]'' I hate it because I know it'll go away. The sun goes dark, and chaos is come again. It's fluids! What am I?!
+
'''River:''' ''[smiles]'' Played with Kaylee. The sun came out, and&hellip; I walked on my feet, and&hellip; heard with my ears. ''[more raggedly]'' I ate the bits. The bits did stay down. And I work. I&hellip; function like I'm a girl. ''[sobbing]'' I hate it because I know it'll go away. The sun goes dark, and chaos is come again. It's fluids! What am I?!
:''Simon:'' You are my beautiful sister.
+
'''Simon:''' You are my beautiful sister.
:''River:'' I-I threw up on your bed.
+
'''River:''' I-I threw up on your bed.
:''Simon:'' Yep. Definitely my sister.
+
'''Simon:''' Yep. Definitely my sister.
   
:''[Repeated line, when Jayne spots Imara with her female client.]''
+
''[Repeated line, when Jayne spots Inara with her female client.]''
:''Jayne:'' I'll be in my bunk.
+
'''Jayne:''' I'll be in my bunk.
   
:''Wash:'' I can't stand the thought of something happening that might cause you two to come back with another thrilling tale of bonding and adventure.
+
'''Wash:''' I can't stand the thought of something happening that might cause you two to come back with another thrilling tale of bonding and adventure.
   
:''Wash:'' Hey, I've been in a firefight before! Well, I was in a fire. Actually, I was fired from a fry-cook opportunity.
+
'''Wash:''' Hey, I've been in a firefight before! Well, I was in a fire. Actually, I was fired from a fry-cook opportunity.
   
:''Wash:'' Now I'm learning about scary.
+
'''Wash:''' Now I'm learning about scary.
   
:''Wash:'' I don't want you to spare me, Mal. If you think you know what's happening, then you tell me. You wouldn't spare Zoe if she were in this situation with you, would you? You would be planning, and plotting and... possibly scheming. So whatever Zoe would do in this instance is what I wanna do. Do you know why? No matter how ugly it gets, you two always come back with the stories. So... I'm Zoe. Now, what do I do?
+
'''Wash:''' I don't want you to spare me, Mal. If you think you know what's happening, then you tell me. You wouldn't spare Zoe if she were in this situation with you, would you? You would be planning, and plotting and... possibly scheming. So whatever Zoe would do in this instance is what I wanna do. Do you know why? No matter how ugly it gets, you two always come back with the stories. So... I'm Zoe. Now, what do I do?
:''Mal:'' Probably not talk quite so much.
+
'''Mal:''' Probably not talk quite so much.
:''Wash:'' Terse? I can be terse. Once in flight school, I was laconic.
+
'''Wash:''' Terse? I can be terse. Once in flight school, I was laconic.
   
:''Wash:'' I mean, I'm the one she swore to love, honor and obey.
+
'''Wash:''' I mean, I'm the one she swore to love, honor and obey.
:''Mal:'' Listen... She swore to obey?
+
'''Mal:''' Listen... She swore to obey?
:''Wash:'' No, but that's the point! You she obeys! She obeys you! There's obeying going on right under my nose!
+
'''Wash:''' No, but that's the point! You she obeys! She obeys you! There's obeying going on right under my nose!
   
:''Jayne:'' Could be he's harboring some resentment at us for putting his man through our engine.
+
'''Jayne:''' Could be he's harboring some resentment at us for putting his man through our engine.
   
:''Wash:'' Bastard's not gonna get days.
+
'''Wash:''' Bastard's not gonna get days.
   
:''Simon:'' Well, it's a clean cut. With the right equipment, I should be able to reattach it. That's assuming there's a head.
+
''[regarding Mal's severed ear]''
  +
'''Simon:''' Well, it's a clean cut. With the right equipment, I should be able to reattach it. That's assuming there's a head.
   
:''Mal:'' We're starting a book club?
+
'''Mal:''' We're starting a book club?
   
:''Wash:'' Grenades?
+
'''Wash:''' Grenades?
:''Zoë:'' Oh, yes. Thank you, dear.
+
'''Zoë:''' Oh, yes. Thank you, dear.
   
:''Zoë:'' Preacher, don't the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killing?
+
'''Zoë:''' Preacher, don't the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killing?
:''Book:'' Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps.
+
'''Book:''' Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps.
   
:''Niska:'' You died, Mr. Reynolds.
+
'''[[Niska]]:''' You died, Mr. Reynolds.
:''Mal:'' Seemed like the thing to do.
+
'''Mal:''' Seemed like the thing to do.
   
:''Jayne:'' Smellin' a lot of "if" comin' off this plan.
+
'''Jayne:''' Smellin' a lot of "if" comin' off this plan.
   
:''Zoë:'' Okay, people... If it moves, shoot it.
+
'''Zoë:''' Okay, people... If it moves, shoot it.
:''Kay:'' Unless it's the Captain!
+
'''Kaylee:''' Unless it's the Captain!
:''Zoë:'' Unless it's the Captain.
+
'''Zoë:''' Unless it's the Captain.
   
:''Mal:'' You want to meet the real me now?
+
'''Mal:''' You want to meet the real me now?
   
:''[After River, facing away from her aim, plugs three men with three shots, she turns to Kaylee.]''
+
''[After River, facing away from her aim, plugs three men with three shots, she turns to Kaylee.]''
:''River:'' No power in the 'verse can stop me.
+
'''River:''' No power in the 'verse can stop me.
   
:''Mal:'' Haven't you killed me enough for one day?
+
'''Mal:''' Haven't you killed me enough for one day?
   
:''[The rescue team comes upon Mal struggling with his torturer.]''
+
''[The rescue team comes upon Mal struggling with his torturer; Zoë stops the others from interfering]''
:''Zoë:'' This is something the Captain has to do for himself.
+
'''Zoë:''' This is something the Captain has to do for himself.
:''Mal:'' No! No, it's not!
+
'''Mal:''' No! No, it's not!
:''[Zoë, Jayne and Wash shoot the torturer.]''
+
'''Zoë:''' Oh.
  +
''[Zoë, Jayne and Wash shoot the torturer.]''
   
:''Wash:'' Mmm. Wife soup. I must have done good.
+
'''Wash:''' Mmm. Wife soup. I must have done good.
   
:''[Mal tells Zoë about his and Wash's in-torture discussion about getting past Zoë's supposed unrequired passion for the Captain.]''
+
''[Mal tells Zoë about his and Wash's in-torture discussion about getting past Zoë's supposed unrequited passion for the Captain.]''
:''Mal:'' I know it's a difficult mission, but you and I... have to get it on.
+
'''Mal:''' I know it's a difficult mission, but you and I... have to get it on.
:''Zoë:'' I understand. We have no choice.
+
'''Zoë:''' I understand. We have no choice.
:''[Jayne arrives.]''
+
''[Jayne arrives.]''
:''Zoë:'' ''[deadpan]'' Take me, sir. Take me hard.
+
'''Zoë:''' ''[deadpan]'' Take me, sir. Take me hard.
:''Jayne:'' Now something about that is just downright unsettlin'.
+
'''Jayne:''' Now something about that is just downright unsettlin'.
:''[As Zoë and Mal awkwardly move to kiss, Wash gets up and drags Zoë off.]''
+
''[As Zoë and Mal awkwardly move to kiss, Wash gets up and drags Zoë off.]''
:''Wash:'' We'll be in our bunk.
+
'''Wash:''' We'll be in our bunk.
   
==''Trash''==
+
==''[[Trash]]''==
==''The Message''==
 
*''Tracey:'' 'When you can't run anymore, you crawl... and when you can't do that --'
 
:''[[w:Gina Torres|Zoë]]:'' 'You find someone to carry you.'
 
   
*''Simon:'' Yup, it's a cow fetus.
 
:''[[w:Jewel Staite|Kaylee]]:'' I guess so. It does seem to have an awful lot of limbs.
 
:''Simon:'' It's mutated.
 
:''Kaylee:'' But cow? How do you figure?
 
:''Simon:'' It's upside down.
 
:''Kaylee (turning head to view)'': Oh yeah. Cow.
 
   
*''Wash:'' "Oh my god, it's grotesque! Oh, and there's something in a jar."
+
==''[[The Message]]''==
:''Zoë:'' "Scared her away again, did you?"
+
'''[[Tracey]]:''' When you can't run anymore, you crawl... and when you can't do that --
:''Simon:'' "This may come as a shock, but I'm actually not very good at talking to girls."
+
'''[[Zoë]]:''' You find someone to carry you.
:''Zoë:'' "Why, is there someone you are good at talking to?"
 
:''Wash: (to a jar with a cow fetus, mock-serious)'' "Do not fear me. Ours is a peaceful race, and we must live in harmony..."
 
   
*''[[w:Summer Glau|River]]: (trying to eat an 'ice-planet')'' "My food is problematic."
+
'''[[Simon]]:''' Yup, it's a cow fetus.
:''Jayne:'' Girl's a mind-readin' genius, can't even figure out how to eat ice planet.
+
'''[[Kaylee]]:''' I guess so. It does seem to have an awful lot of limbs.
  +
'''Simon:''' It's mutated.
  +
'''Kaylee:''' But cow? How do you figure?
  +
'''Simon:''' It's upside down.
  +
'''Kaylee''' ''[turning head to view]'': Oh yeah. Cow.
   
*''[[w:Adam Baldwin|Jayne]]:'' "I got post?"
+
'''[[Wash]]:'' Oh my god, it's grotesque! Oh, and there's something in a jar.
:''Book:'' "Might we all want to step a few paces back before he opens that?"
+
'''Zoë:'' Scared her away again, did you?
:''Jayne:'' "Ha ha. It's from my mother."
+
'''Simon:'' This may come as a shock, but I'm actually not very good at talking to girls.
  +
'''Zoë:'' Why, is there someone you are good at talking to?
  +
'''Wash:''' ''[to a jar with a cow fetus, mock-serious]'' Do not fear me. Ours is a peaceful race, and we must live in harmony...
   
*''Inara:'' So, do aliens live among us?
+
'''[[River]]:''' ''[trying to eat an 'ice-planet' frozen treat]'' My food is problematic.
:''Kaylee:'' Yeah. One of them's a doctor.
+
'''[[Jayne]]:'' Girl's a mind-readin' genius, can't even figure out how to eat ice planet.
   
*''Jayne: (wearing ugly homemade hat)'' "How's it sit? Pretty cunning, don't you think?"
+
'''Jayne:''' I got post?
:''Kaylee:'' "I think it's the sweetest hat ever."
+
'''[[Book]]:''' Might we all want to step a few paces back before he opens that?
:''Wash:'' "A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything."
+
'''Jayne:''' Ha ha. It's from my mother.
:''Jayne:'' "Damn straight."
 
   
*''Jayne:'' What'd y'all order a dead guy for?
+
'''[[Inara]]:''' So, do aliens live among us?
  +
'''Kaylee:''' Yeah. One of them's a doctor.
   
*''Tracey:'' "Thanks. Didn't know you were out there."
+
'''Jayne:''' ''[wearing ugly homemade hat]'' How's it sit? Pretty cunning, don't you think?
:''Zoë:'' "That's sort of the point. Stealth, you may have heard of it."
+
:''Kaylee:'' I think it's the sweetest hat ever.
:''Tracey:'' "I don't think they covered that in basic."
+
:''Wash:'' A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything.
:''Zoë:'' "Well, at least they covered 'Dropping your weapon so you can eat beans and get yourself shot'."
+
:''Jayne:'' Damn straight.
:''Tracey:'' "Yeah, I got a badge in that." ''(seriously)'' "Won't happen again."
 
:''Zoë:'' "It does, I'm just gonna watch."
 
   
*''[[w:Nathan Fillion|Mal]]:'' "Oh! That was bracing. They don't like it when you shoot at them. I worked that out myself."
+
'''Jayne:''' What'd y'all order a dead guy for?
   
*''Mal:'' "Vitelli's out of it. That bumblebee laid down arms at the first sign of inevitable crushing defeat, can you imagine such a cowardly creature?"
+
'''[[Tracey]]:''' Thanks. Didn't know you were out there.
  +
'''Zoë:''' That's sort of the point. Stealth, you may have heard of it.
  +
'''Tracey:''' I don't think they covered that in basic.
  +
'''Zoë:''' Well, at least they covered 'Dropping your weapon so you can eat beans and get yourself shot'.
  +
'''Tracey:''' Yeah, I got a badge in that. ''[seriously]'' Won't happen again.
  +
'''Zoë:''' It does, I'm just gonna watch.
   
*''Jayne:'' "We're taking him on board?"
+
'''[[Mal]]:''' Oh! That was bracing. They don't like it when you shoot at them. I worked that out myself.
:''Mal:'' "We are."
 
:''Jayne:'' "Don't know if I see the percentage in that."
 
:''Mal:'' "Don't strain your brain trying. You might break something."
 
   
*''Tracey: (recorded message)'' Uh, okay. Uh, recording. Hi, I guess. This is a message for Zoë, and for Malcolm Reynolds. And I really hope you all are the ones listening to it. I'll spare you the boring details. I've fallen in with untrustworthy folk. Makin' a bunch of bad calls. All that matters is I expect to be shuffled off. And you two are the only people I trust to get me where I'm going, which is home. I'd like my body to be with my folks on St. Albans. We got the family plot there, and my Mom and Dad, well, they deserve to know I died. You know, it's funny. We went to the war never lookin' to come back, but it's the real world I couldn't survive. You two carried me through that war. Now I need you to carry me just a little bit further, if you can. Tell my folks I wanted to do right by them and that I'm at peace, and all. When you can't run anymore, you crawl, and when you can't do that, well-- Yeah, you know the rest. Thanks, both of you. Oh, yeah, and make sure my eyes is closed, will ya?
+
'''Mal:''' Vitelli's out of it. That bumblebee laid down arms at the first sign of inevitable crushing defeat, can you imagine such a cowardly creature?
   
*''(Gathered around the table, laughing) Mal: '' I thought I was gonna die.
+
'''Jayne:''' We're taking him on board?
:''Inara:'' How could he possibly--
+
'''Mal:''' We are.
:''Mal:'' Oh, the colonel was dead drunk. Three hours pissin' on about the enlisted men, 'they're scum, they're not fighters', and then he passed right out. Boom.
+
'''Jayne:''' Don't know if I see the percentage in that.
:''Zoë:'' We couldn't even move him. So Tracey just snipped it right off his face.
+
'''Mal:''' Don't strain your brain trying. You might break something.
:''Mal:'' And you've never seen a man more proud of his moustache than Colonel Obrin. I mean, in all my life I will never love a woman the way this officer loved that lip ferret.
 
:''Zoë:'' Big [[w:walrus|walrus-y]] thing--all waxed up!
 
:''Inara:'' Did he find out?
 
:''Mal:'' Oh! Next mornin', he wakes up, it's gone and he is furious! But he can't just say, you know, 'someone stole my moustache!' So he calls us together, all the platoons...
 
:''Zoë:'' We thought he was gonna shoot us!
 
:''Mal:'' ...and, oh he's eye-ballin' all the men somethin' fierce. Not a word. And he comes up to Tracey, and Tracey's wearing the ''gorram'' thing on his face!
 
:''Zoë:'' He had glued it on!
 
:''Mal:'' He's starin' the old man down wearing his own damn moustache!
 
   
*''Jayne:'' Spry for a dead fella!
+
'''Tracey:''' ''[recorded message]'' Uh, okay. Uh, recording. Hi, I guess. This is a message for Zoë, and for Malcolm Reynolds. And I really hope you all are the ones listening to it. I'll spare you the boring details. I've fallen in with untrustworthy folk. Makin' a bunch of bad calls. All that matters is I expect to be shuffled off. And you two are the only people I trust to get me where I'm going, which is home. I'd like my body to be with my folks on St. Albans. We got the family plot there, and my Mom and Dad, well, they deserve to know I died. You know, it's funny. We went to the war never lookin' to come back, but it's the real world I couldn't survive. You two carried me through that war. Now I need you to carry me just a little bit further, if you can. Tell my folks I wanted to do right by them and that I'm at peace, and all. When you can't run anymore, you crawl, and when you can't do that, well-- Yeah, you know the rest. Thanks, both of you. Oh, yeah, and make sure my eyes is closed, will ya?
   
*''Mal:'' Alright. You wanna explain to me why you got yourself all corpsified and mailed to me?
+
''[gathered around the table, laughing]''
  +
'''Mal:''' I thought I was gonna die.
  +
'''Inara:''' How could he possibly--
  +
'''Mal:''' Oh, the colonel was dead drunk. Three hours pissin' on about the enlisted men, 'they're scum, they're not fighters', and then he passed right out. Boom.
  +
'''Zoë:''' We couldn't even move him. So Tracey just snipped it right off his face.
  +
'''Mal:''' And you've never seen a man more proud of his moustache than Colonel Obrin. I mean, in all my life I will never love a woman the way this officer loved that lip ferret.
  +
'''Zoë:''' Big walrus-y thing--all waxed up!
  +
'''Inara:''' Did he find out?
  +
'''Mal:''' Oh! Next mornin', he wakes up, it's gone and he is furious! But he can't just say, you know, 'someone stole my moustache!' So he calls us together, all the platoons...
  +
'''Zoë:''' We thought he was gonna shoot us!
  +
'''Mal:''' ...and, oh he's eye-ballin' all the men somethin' fierce. Not a word. And he comes up to Tracey, and Tracey's wearing the ''gorram'' thing on his face!
  +
'''Zoë:''' He had glued it on!
  +
'''Mal:''' He's starin' the old man down wearing his own damn moustache!
   
*''Mal:'' So, your innards ain't your innards?
+
'''Jayne:''' Spry for a dead fella!
   
==''Heart of gold''==
+
'''Mal:''' All right. You wanna explain to me why you got yourself all corpsified and mailed to me?
:''[[w:Morena Baccarin|Inara]]:'' Hi.
 
:''[[w:Nathan Fillion|Mal]]:'' BWAA!
 
:''Inara'': Sorry. I didn't mean to startle.
 
:''Mal:'' You didn't. I was just, uh &mdash; BWAAA! That's more like a... It's a warrior like... Strikes fear into the hearts of...
 
   
:''Mal:'' You know, not altogether wise, sneaking up on a fella when he's handling his weapon.
+
'''Mal:''' So, your innards ain't your innards?
:''Inara:'' I'm sure I've heard that said.
 
   
:''Inara:'' It sounds like something this crew can handle. I can't guarantee they'll handle it particularly well, but
+
==''[[Heart of Gold (episode)|Heart of Gold]]''==
:''[[w:Melinda Clarke|Nandi]]:'' If they got guns, and brains at all
+
'''[[Inara]]:''' Hi.
:''Inara:'' They've got guns.
+
'''[[Mal]]:''' BWAA!
  +
'''Inara''': Sorry. I didn't mean to startle.
  +
'''Mal:''' You didn't. I was just, uh &mdash; BWAAA! That's more like a... It's a warrior like... Strikes fear into the hearts of...
   
:''Inara:'' I suppose you heard most of that?
+
'''Mal:''' You know, not altogether wise, sneaking up on a fella when he's handling his weapon.
:''Mal:'' Only because I was eavesdropping.
+
'''Inara:''' I'm sure I've heard that said.
   
:''[[w:Adam Baldwin|Jayne]]:'' Don't much see the benefit in getting involved in strangers' troubles without a upfront price negotiated.
+
'''Inara:''' It sounds like something this crew can handle. I can't guarantee they'll handle it particularly well, but --
:''[[w:Ron Glass|Book]]:'' These people need assistance. The benefit wouldn't necessarily be for you.
+
'''[[Nandi]]:''' If they got guns, and brains at all --
:''Jayne:'' S'what I'm sayin'
+
'''Inara:''' They've got guns.
   
:''Jayne:'' 'Cause I don't know these folks. Don't much care to.
+
'''Inara:''' I suppose you heard most of that?
:''Mal:'' They're whores.
+
'''Mal:''' Only because I was eavesdropping.
:''Jayne:'' I'm in.
 
   
:''Mal:'' Well, any friend of Inara's is a strictly businesslike relationship of mine.
+
'''[[Jayne]]:''' Don't much see the benefit in getting involved in strangers' troubles without a upfront price negotiated.
  +
'''[[Book]]:''' These people need assistance. The benefit wouldn't necessarily be for you.
  +
'''Jayne:''' S'what I'm sayin'
   
:''Mal:'' I'll introduce you to the rest later. They're good folk.
+
'''Jayne:''' 'Cause I don't know these folks. Don't much care to.
:''Jayne:'' Can I start getting sexed already?
+
'''Mal:''' They're whores.
:''Mal:'' Well, that one's kind of horrific.
+
'''Jayne:''' I'm in.
   
:''[[w:Alan Tudyk|Wash]]:'' You'd really lie with someone being paid for it?
+
'''Mal:''' Well, any friend of Inara's is a strictly businesslike relationship of mine.
:''[[w:Jewel Staite|Kaylee]]:'' Well, it's not like anyone else is lining up to, you know, examine me...
 
   
:''Jayne:'' Oh, my John Thomas is gonna pop off and fly around the room, there's so much tasty here.
+
'''Mal:''' I'll introduce you to the rest later. They're good folk.
:''Wash:'' Would be you get your most poetical about your pecker.
+
'''Jayne:''' Can I start getting sexed already?
  +
'''Mal:''' Well, that one's kind of horrific.
   
:''Kaylee:'' Wash, tell me I'm pretty...
+
'''[[Wash]]:''' You'd really lie with someone being paid for it?
:''Wash:'' Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion.
+
'''[[Kaylee]]:''' Well, it's not like anyone else is lining up to, you know, examine me...
:''Kaylee:'' 'Cause I'm pretty?
 
:''Wash:'' 'Cause you're pretty.
 
   
:''Mal:'' Inara, think you could stoop to being on my arm?
+
'''Jayne:''' Oh, my John Thomas is gonna pop off and fly around the room, there's so much tasty here.
:''Inara:'' Will you wash it first?
+
'''Wash:''' Would be you get your most poetical about your pecker.
   
:''Mal:'' Nothing worse than a monster who thinks he's right with God.
+
'''Kaylee:''' Wash, tell me I'm pretty...
  +
'''Wash:''' Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion.
  +
'''Kaylee:''' 'Cause I'm pretty?
  +
'''Wash:''' 'Cause you're pretty.
   
:''Nandi:'' It's who I am. And it's my home. I'm not going anywhere.
+
'''Mal:''' Inara, think you could stoop to being on my arm?
  +
'''Inara:''' Will you wash it first?
   
:''Mal:'' Well, lady, I must say &mdash; You're my kinda stupid.
+
'''Mal:''' Nothing worse than a monster who thinks he's right with God.
   
:''[[w:Gina Torres|Zoë]]:'' I don't give a good gorram about relevant, Wash. Or objective. And I ain't so afraid of losing something that I ain't gonna try to have it. You and I would make one beautiful baby. And I want to meet that child one day. Period.
+
'''Nandi:''' It's who I am. And it's my home. I'm not going anywhere.
   
:''Mal:'' Well, we're an odd conglomeration. Got a preacher, a married fellah, and the doctor... well he'd have to relax for thirty seconds to get his play, and that'd be more or less a miracle.
+
'''Mal:''' Well, lady, I must say &mdash; You're my kinda stupid.
   
:''Inara:'' How many babies have you actually delivered?
+
'''[[Zoë]]:''' I don't give a good gorram about relevant, Wash. Or objective. And I ain't so afraid of losing something that I ain't gonna try to have it. You and I would make one beautiful baby. And I want to meet that child one day. Period.
:''[[w:Sean Maher|Simon]]:'' As the primary? This would be the first. You?
 
:''Inara:'' My first too.
 
:''River:'' Mine too.
 
   
:''Mal:'' Miss Nandi, I have a confession to make.
+
'''Mal:''' Well, we're an odd conglomeration. Got a preacher, a married fellah, and the doctor... well he'd have to relax for thirty seconds to get his play, and that'd be more or less a miracle.
:''Nandi:'' Maybe I should get the Shepherd.
 
:''Mal:'' Well, I ain't sinned yet, and I'd feel a little more than awkward having him here when I did.
 
   
:''Nandi:'' Malcolm, I been waiting for you to kiss me since I showed you my guns.
+
'''Inara:''' How many babies have you actually delivered?
  +
'''[[Simon]]:''' As the primary? This would be the first. You?
  +
'''Inara:''' My first too.
  +
'''[[River]]:''' Mine too.
   
:''Nandi:'' You okay with this?
+
'''Mal:''' Miss Nandi, I have a confession to make.
:''Mal: [after kissing her]'' I'm just waiting to see if I [[#Our Mrs. Reynolds|pass out]]. Long story.
+
'''Nandi:''' Maybe I should get the Shepherd.
  +
'''Mal:''' Well, I ain't sinned yet, and I'd feel a little more than awkward having him here when I did.
   
:''Inara:'' So you took to bed with Nandi. I'm glad.
+
'''Nandi:''' Malcolm, I been waiting for you to kiss me since I showed you my guns.
:''Mal:'' Glad?
 
:''Inara:'' Yes! She's a dear friend, and probably in need of some comfort about now.
 
:''Mal:'' So you're okay. Well, yeah. Why wouldn't you be?
 
:''Inara:'' I wouldn't say I'm entirely okay. I'm a little appalled at her taste.
 
   
:''Kaylee:'' Captain seem a little funny to you at breakfast this morning?
+
'''Nandi:''' You okay with this?
:''Wash:'' Come on, Kaylee. We all know I'm the funny one.
+
'''Mal:''' ''[after kissing her]'' I'm just waiting to see if I [[Our Mrs. Reynolds|pass out]]. Long story.
   
:''Jayne:'' Whoa now, girl, that's just plain dirty...
+
'''Inara:''' So you took to bed with Nandi. I'm glad.
:''Mal:'' Jayne, you aware your radio's transmittin'? Cause I ain't feelin' particular girlish or dirty at the moment.
+
'''Mal:''' Glad?
  +
'''Inara:''' Yes! She's a dear friend, and probably in need of some comfort about now.
  +
'''Mal:''' So you're okay. Well, yeah. Why wouldn't you be?
  +
'''Inara:''' I wouldn't say I'm entirely okay. I'm a little appalled at her taste.
   
:''Jayne:'' Mal! Looks like we got some imminent violence!
+
'''Kaylee:''' Captain seem a little funny to you at breakfast this morning?
  +
'''Wash:''' Come on, Kaylee. We all know I'm the funny one.
   
:''[[w:Tracy Leah Ryan|Petaline]]:'' Rance... this is Jonah. Jonah, say hi to your daddy. ''[Petaline shoots Rance]'' Say goodbye to your daddy, Jonah.
+
'''Jayne:''' Whoa now, girl, that's just plain dirty...
  +
'''Mal:''' Jayne, you aware your radio's transmittin'? Cause I ain't feelin' particular girlish or dirty at the moment.
  +
  +
'''Jayne:''' Mal! Looks like we got some imminent violence!
  +
  +
'''[[Petaline]]:''' Rance... this is Jonah. Jonah, say hi to your daddy. ''[Petaline shoots Rance]'' Say goodbye to your daddy, Jonah.
   
 
==''[[Objects in Space]]''==
 
==''[[Objects in Space]]''==
:''Simon:'' Are you Alliance?
+
'''[[Simon]]:''' Are you Alliance?
:''Early:'' Am I a lion?
+
'''[[Jubal Early]]:''' Am I a lion?
:''Simon:'' What?
+
'''Simon:''' What?
:''Early:'' I don't think of myself as a lion. You might as well, though - I have a mighty roar.
+
'''Early:''' I don't think of myself as a lion. You might as well, though - I have a mighty roar.
:''Simon:'' Ummm, I said 'Alliance'.
+
'''Simon:''' Ummm, I said 'Alliance'.
:''Early:'' Oh. That's weird.
+
'''Early:''' Oh. That's weird.
  +
  +
'''Simon:''' So you're a bounty hunter.
  +
'''Early:''' No, that ain't it at all.
  +
'''Simon:''' Then what are you?
  +
'''Early:''' I'm a bounty hunter.
  +
   
:''Simon:'' So you're a bounty hunter.
 
:''Early:'' No, that ain't it at all.
 
:''Simon:'' Then what are you?
 
:''Early:'' I'm a bounty hunter.
 
   
 
----
 
----

Revision as of 00:16, May 28, 2005

Most of the dialog of the television series Firefly was written by Joss Whedon and Tim Minear.

Warning: Plot details follow.

Serenity

Mal: We've done the impossible, and that makes us mighty.

Mal: We're not gonna die. We can't die, Bendis. You know why? Because we are so very pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die.

[Deleted scene, soldiers in Serenity valley, seeing med ships.]
Zoë: Whose colors are they flying? [...] Are we really getting out?
Mal: We are.
Zoë: [almost crying] Thank God.
Mal: God? Whose color is he flying?

[Wash, playing with plastic dinosaurs.]
Wash's Stegosaurus: Yes. Yes, this is a fertile land, and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land, and we will call it... "This Land.".
Wash's Allosaurus: I think we should call it "your grave!".
Stegosaurus: Ah, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!
Allosaurus: Har har har! Mine is an evil laugh! Now die!
[The Allosaurus attacks the Stegosaurus.]
Stegosaurus: Oh, no, God! Oh, dear God in heaven!

Jayne: Any one you walk away from, right? Long as those crates aren't empty, I call this a win.
Mal: Right. [sad look] We win.

Jayne: Captain, can you stop her from bein' cheerful, please?
Mal: I don't believe there is a power in the 'verse that can stop Kaylee from being cheerful.

Wash: Sweetie, we're crooks. If everything were right, we'd be in jail.

Zoë: We still gotta drop the goods.
Wash: And when we do, we fly off to Boros rich and prosperous. Well, less poor.

Badger: Crime and politics, little girl: the situation is always... fluid.

Jayne: Ten percent of nothing is, let me do the math here, nothing into nothing, carry the nothin'...
Mal: Jayne, your mouth is talking. You might wanna look to that.

Mal: Been a long time since Patience shot me and that was due to a perfectly legitimate conflict of interest. I got no grudge.

Zoë: Now we have a boatful of citizens right on top of our... stolen cargo. That's a fun mix.
Mal: Ain't no way in the 'verse they could find that compartment, even [stops talking as a passenger walks past] Even if they were lookin' for it.
Zoë: Why not?
Mal: 'Cause... ?
Zoë: Oh yeah, this is gonna go great.
Mal: If anyone gets nosy, just, you know... shoot 'em.
Zoë: Shoot 'em?
Mal: Politely.

Book: Captain, you mind if I say grace?
Mal: Only if you say it out loud.

Inara: So. Would you like to lecture me the wickedness of my ways?
Book: [...] if you'd prefer a lecture, I've a few very catchy ones prepped. Sin and hellfire... one has lepers.
Inara: [smiling] I think I'll pass.

[Mal lowers his hands after realizing the lawman wants to arrest Simon, not him.]
Mal: Hey! Is there, is there a reward?

Wash: Can we maybe vote on the whole murdering people issue?

Mal: I've given Jayne here the job of finding out.
Jayne: [to Dobson, with a knife] He was non-specific as to how.
Mal: [softly to Jayne] Now you only gotta scare him.
Jayne: Pain is scary...!

Simon: What happens if they board us?
Zoë: If they take the ship they will rape us to death, eat our flesh, and sew our skins in to their clothing, and if we're very, very lucky, they’ll do it in that order.

Jayne: Testing. Testing, Captain, can you hear me?
Mal: I'm standing right here.
Jayne: You're coming through good and loud.
Mal: 'Cause I'm standing right here.

Zoë: Don't think it's a good spot, sir. She still has the advantage over us.
Mal: Everyone always does. That's what makes us special.

Mal: Well, we may not have parted on the best of terms. I realize certain words were exchanged. Also, certain... bullets.

Mal: Well, you were right about this being a bad idea.
Zoë: Thanks for sayin', sir.

Mal: Now I did a job. I got nothing but trouble since I did it, not to mention more than a few unkind words as regard to my character so let me make this abundantly clear. I do the job. And then I get paid.

Wash [speaking about incoming Reaver ship] I guess they got hungry again...

Dobson: Anybody makes so much as a [Mal, entering the ship, shoots him in the head.]

[Wash, very calmly, is trying to evade a ship of brutal reavers.]
Wash: If everybody could just be quiet a moment...

Wash: I don't mean to alarm anybody, but I think we're being followed.

[After her husband Wash executes a brilliant escape from the reavers, Zoë turns to Mal.]
Zoë: Sir? I like you to take the helm, please. I need this man to tear all my clothes off.
Wash: Work, work, work...

Book: I've been out of the abbey two days, I've beaten a lawman senseless, I've fallen in with criminals. I watched the captain shoot the man I swore to protect. And I'm not even sure if I think he was wrong.

Mal: How come you didn't turn on me, Jayne?
Jayne: Money wasn't good enough.
Mal: What happens when it is?
Jayne: [smiling] Well... that'll be an interesting day.

Simon: You had the Alliance on you, criminals and savages... half the people on the ship have been shot or wounded including yourself, and you're harboring known fugitives.
Mal: We're still flying.
Simon: That's not much.
Mal: It's enough.

The Train Job

Mal: Say that to my face.
Lund: I said, you're a coward, and a pisspot. Now what are you gonna do about it?
Mal: Nothin'. I just wanted you to face me so she could get behind ya.
[Zoë punches Lund.]
Mal: Drunks are so cute.

Mal: This is why we lost, you know. Superior numbers.
Zoë: Thanks for the re-enactment, sir.

Mal: See, this is another sign of your tragic space dementia, all paranoid and crotchety.

Mal: It's nothin'.
Simon: I expect there's someone's face feels differently.
Mal: Well, they tell ya, never hit a man with a closed fist, but it is on occasion hilarious.

Mal: Well, what about you, Shepherd? How come you're flying about with us brigands? I mean, shouldn't you be off bringing religiosity to the Fuzzie-Wuzzies or some such?
Book: Oh, I got heathens aplenty right here.
Mal: If I'm your mission, Shepherd, best give it up. You're welcome on my boat. God ain't.

Inara: What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle?
Mal: That it was manly and impulsive?
Inara: Yes, precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was "don't".

Mal: Kaylee, what the hell's goin' on in the engine room? Were there monkeys? Some terrifying space monkeys maybe got loose?
Kaylee: I had to rewire the grav thrust because somebody won't replace that crappy compression coil.

Mal: He's not the first psycho to hire us, nor the last. You think that's a commentary on us?

Zoë: Sir, is there some information we might maybe be lacking as to why there's an entire fedsquad sitting on this train?
Mal: Doesn't concern us.
Zoë: It kinda concerns me.

Zoë: Sir? I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.

Jayne: Time for some thrilling heroics.

Jayne: You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with until you understand who's in ruttin' command here.

Jayne: You've got the light.. from the console.. keep you, lift you up. They shine like... [he tries to catch the light in his hands] ...little angels... [the drugged Jayne falls down]
Wash: Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?

[Jayne is lying on the landing of the stairway.]
'Kaylee: We tried to get him into the infirmary, he's just heavy.

Mal: Now this is all the money Niska gave us in advance. You bring it back to him, tell him the job didn't work out. [Crow spits.] We're not thieves — well, we are thieves. Point is we're not takin' what's his. Now we'll stay out of his way the best we can from here on in. You explain that that's best for everyone, okay?
Crow: Keep the money. Use it to buy a funeral. It doesn't matter where you go, or how far you fly. I will hunt you down, and the last thing you see will be my blade.
Mal: Darn. [Mal kills Crow by kicking him into the engine intakes. A second henchman of Niska is brought forward.] Now this is all the money Niska gave us in advance...
Henchman: Oh, I'm good. Best thing for everyone. I'm right there with you.

Bushwhacked

Zoë: Proximity alert. Must be coming up on something.
Wash: [alarmed] Oh my god. What can it be? We're all doomed! Who's flying this thing!? [deadpan] Oh right, that would be me. Back to work.

Jayne: Looked bigger when I couldn't see him.

Kaylee: [about bypassing a boobytrap] Sure. Yeah. I think so. 'Sides, if I mess up, not like you'll be able to yell at me.

Harken: You fought with Captain Reynolds in the war?
Zoë: Fought with a lot of people in the war.
Harken: And your husband?
Zoë: Fight with him sometimes, too.
Harken: Is there any particular reason you don't wish to discuss your marriage?
Zoë: Don't see that it's any of your business, is all. We're very private people.
-- cut to:
Wash: [Zoë's husband] The legs. Oh yeah, definitely have to say it was her legs. You can put that down. Her legs, and where her legs meet her back. Actually, that whole area. That, and above it. [...] Have you seen what she wears? Forget about it. Have you ever been with a warrior woman?

Harken: Seems odd you'd name your ship after a battle you were on the wrong side of.
Mal: May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one.

Mal: That poor bastard you took off my ship. He looked right into the face of it. Was made to stare.
Harken: "It"?
Mal: The darkness. Kind of darkness you can't even imagine. Blacker than the space it moves through.
Harken: Very poetic.
Mal: They made him watch. He probably tried to turn away, and they wouldn't let him. You call him a survivor? He's not. A man comes up against that kind of will, the only way to deal with it, I suspect, is to become it.

Jayne: You saved his gorram life, he still takes the cargo.
Mal: He had to.... couldn't let us profit. Wouldn't be civilized.

Shindig

Zoë: Planet's coming up a mite fast.
Wash: That's just cause, I'm going down too quick. Likely crash and kill us all.
Mal: When that happens, let me know.

Mal: It's sounds like the finest party I can imagine getting paid to go to.
Inara: I don't suppose you'd find it up to standards of your outings. More conversation and somewhat less petty theft and getting hit with pool cues.

Wash: You want a slinky dress? I can buy you a slinky dress. Captain, can I have money for a slinky dress?
Jayne: I'll chip in.
Zoë: (to Jayne, smiling) I can hurt you.

Mal: [to Badger] You backed out of a deal last time. Left us hanging.
Jayne: Hurt our feelings.

Badger: You think you're better than other people.
Mal: Just the ones I'm better than.

Mal: He wears a red sash crossways.
Kaylee: Why does he do that?
Mal: Maybe he won the Miss Persephone Pageant. Just help me look.
Kaylee: Is that him?
Mal: That's the buffet table...
Kaylee: Well how can we be sure, unless we question it?

Wash: Sleepiness is weakness of character. Ask anyone.

Wash: Here lies my beloved Zoe, my autumn flower, somewhat less attractive now she's all corpsified and gross...

Sir Warrick Harrow: I know him. And I think he's a psychotic low-life.
Mal: And I think calling him that is an insult to the psychotic low-life community.

Mal: My work's illegal, but at least it's honest.

Mal: And I never back down from a fight.
Inara: Yes, you do! You do all the time!

Mal: Mercy is the mark of a great man. [stabs Atherton] Guess I'm just a good man. [stabs Atherton again] Well, I'm all right.

Inara: Are you in pain?
Mal: Absolutely. I got stabbed, you know, right here. [lifting shirt]
Inara: [squeamish] I saw.
Mal: Don't care much for fancy parties. Too rough.
Inara: It wasn't entirely a disaster.
Mal: I got stabbed! Right here!

Safe

Young River: [playing behind a couch] We got outflanked by the independent squad, and we're never gonna make it back to our platoon. We need to resort to cannibalism.
Young Simon: That was fast. Don't we have rations or anything?

Young River: [About Simon's homework] That's wrong.
Young Simon: It's from the book, River.
Young River: No, the book is wrong. This whole conclusion is fallacious.

Gabriel Tam: I will not have it in my house. But since your mother's already ordered you one, I guess I should give up the fantasy that this is my house.

Mal: So, she's added cussing and hurling about of things to her repertoire. She really is a prodigy.
Simon: It's just a bad day.
Mal: No, a bad day is when someone's yellin' spooks the cattle. Understand? You ever see cattle stampede when they got no place to run? It's kind of like a... a meat grinder. And it'll lose us half the herd.
Simon: She hasn't gone anywhere near the cattle.
Mal: No, but in case you hadn't noticed, her voice kinda carries. We're two miles above ground and they can probably hear her down there. Soon as we unload, she can holler until our ears bleed. Although I would take it as a kindness if she didn't.
River: The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.
Mal: See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with, long as she does it quiet-like.

Jayne: [to Simon stepping in a cow pie] 'Bout time you broke in them pretty shoes.

Mal: [about cattle] You know... they walk just as fast if you lead 'em.
Jayne: I just like smackin' 'em.

Zoë: Next time we smuggle stock, let's make it something smaller.
Wash: Yeah, we should start dealing in those black-market beagles.

River: They weren't cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see the sky and they remember what they are.
Mal: Is it bad that what she said made perfect sense to me?

Simon: I'm very sorry if she tipped off anyone about your cunningly concealed herd of cows.

Inara: Does it seem every supply store on every 'water planet has the same five rag dolls and the same wood carvings of... what is this? A duck?
Kaylee: That's a swan. I like it.
Inara: You do?
Kaylee: [stroking swan] Looks like it was made with, you know, longing. Made by a person really longed to see a swan.
Inara: Perhaps they'd only heard of them by rough description.

Simon: It's fun, being forced to the ass-end of the galaxy. To get to live on a piece of lèsè [crappy] wreck. And to eat molded protein. And to be bullied around by our pien juh duh jiou chiao ren of a captain. It's fun.
Kaylee: [offended] Lèsè?

Mal: This is the last time. Last time with cows. Hear there was an idea regarding beagles? They have smallish droppings?
Zoë: I believe so, sir. Also, your disreputable men are here.
Mal: Better go take their money.

Book: That's... that's quite a lot of blood, isn't it?
Mal: Just means you ain't dead.
Book [a preacher]: Afraid I might be needing a preacher.
Mal: That's good. You lie there and be ironical.

River: We're lost... lost in the woods.

Zoë: Knew a man who had a hole clean through his whole shoulder, once. Used to keep a spare hankie in there.

Jayne: [faux-reading Simon's journal] "Dear Diary, Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy. [flips page] Today we were kidnapped by hill folk never to be seen again. It was the best day ever."

Zoë: Captain will come up with a plan.
Kaylee: That's good. Right?
Zoë: Possibly you're not recalling some of his previous plans.

Zoë: You sanguine about the kind of reception we're up to receive on an Alliance ship, Cap?
Mal: Absolutely. What's "sanguine" mean?
Zoë: "Sanguine." Hopeful. Plus, point of interest, it also means "bloody."
Mal: Well, that pretty much covers all the options, don't it?

Alliance commander: We aren't an emergency facility, Captain. Our services aren't available simply to anyone.
Book: Com... mander... my... ident card.
Alliance commander: [seeing who Book is] Get this man to the infirmary at once.

Doralee: A place like this might be good for your sister. Quiet. Safe. A place where folks take care of each other.
Simon: Mmm, yes, seems like a lovely little community of kidnappers.

Jayne: [in the Alliance cruiser Magellan] This place gives me an uncomfortableness.

River: I get confused. I remember everything. I remember too much, and... some of it's made up, and... some of it can't be quantified, and... there's secrets.

River: You gave up everything you had to find me. And you found me broken.

River: We won't be here long. Daddy will come and take us home. And I'll get better. I'll get better.

Simon: It's been a big day, what with the abduction and all.

Doralee: "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live!"

Simon: I'm sorry, dad. You know I would never have tried to save River's life if I had known there was a dinner party at risk.

Book: I am a Shepherd. Folks like a man of God.
Mal: No, they don't. Men of God make everyone feel guilty and judged.

Simon: [standing on River's pyre]: Light it.

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.

Patron: This is a holy cleansing. You cannot think to thwart God's will.
Mal: Y'all see the man hanging out of the spaceship with the really big gun? Now I'm not saying you weren't easy to find. It was kinda out of our way, and he didn't want to come in the first place. Man's lookin' to kill some folk. So really it's his will y'all should worry about thwarting. [to Simon] Gotta say, doctor, your talent for alienatin' folk is near miraculous.
Simon: Yes, I'm very proud.
Mal: [about River] Cut her down.
Patron: That girl is a witch.
Mal: Yeah, but she's our witch. [cocks gun] So cut her the hell down.

Mal: Well, you were busy trying to get yourself lit on fire. It happens.
Mal: So then the Shepherd says to the Companion, "Well, a good goat would do that."

Our Mrs. Reynolds

Jayne: I married me a powerful ugly creature.
Mal: [dressed as Jayne's wife to lure bandits] How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?

Mal: You been bird-doggin' this township awhile now... folks 'round here wouldn't mind a corpse of you.

Mal: I swear by my pretty flowered bonnet, I will end you.

Mal: Like woman, I am a mystery.

Mal: Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back!

Book: If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.

Zoë: Remember that sex we were planning to have, ever again?

Jayne: It is my very favorite gun.

Mal: She has a name.
Jayne: So does this. I call it Vera.

Mal: Well my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.

Mal: Whoa! Hey! Flesh...

Mal: Whoa, good Bible.

Mal: It's been a while -- a long damn while -- since anybody but me took hold of my plow.

Wash: Some people juggle geese!

Wash: Oh do I wish I was somebody else right now. Somebody not... married, not... *madly* in love with a beautiful woman who can kill me with her pinkie!

Jayne: That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth.

Mal: But she was naked! And all... articulate!

Wash: Okay! Everybody not talking about sex, in here. Everyone else, out.

Jayne: See, Vera? Dress yourself up, you get taken out somewhere fun.

Jaynestown

Kaylee: Bye now. Have good sex.

Simon: All right. Fine. I'll go. Just... stop describing me.

Wash: (watching Simon play his role... poorly): Who is this diabolical master of disguise?

Simon: This must be what going mad feels like.

Jayne: Instead of us hanging around playing art critic till I get pinched by the Man, how's about we move away from this eerie-ass piece of work and get on with our increasingly eerie-ass day?

River: Bible's broken.

Wash: We gotta go to the crappy town where I'm the hero!

Simon: I reattached a girl's leg. Her whole leg. She named her hamster after me. I got a hamster. He drops a box of money, he gets a town.

Simon: To Jayne! The box-dropping, man-ape-gone-wrong-thing.

River: They say the snow on the roof was too heavy. They say the ceiling will cave in. His brains are in terrible danger.

Jayne: The living legend needs eggs.

Mal: Let's go get our wayward babes.

Jayne: You think there's someone just going to drop money on you?! Money they could use?! Well there ain't people like that... There's just people like me.

River: Just keep walking, preacher-man.

Mal: It's my estimation that every man ever got a statue made of him was one kind of sumbitch or another.

Out of Gas

Mal: You are very much lacking in imagination.
Zoë: I imagine that's so, sir.

Mal: Try to see past what she is, on to what she can be.
Zoë: What's that, sir?
Mal: Freedom, is what.
Zoë: [pointing] No, I meant — what's that?
Mal: Oh. Just step around it. I think something must've been living in here.

Zoë: Get her running again?
Mal: Yeah.
Zoë: So not running now?
Mal: Not so much. But she will.

Wash: Monastic humor. I miss out on all the fun.

Jayne: Yeah, 'cos sick people are hi-larious.

River: [about Simon's birthday] "Day" is a vestigial mode of time measurement based on solar cycles. It's not applicable. [beat] I didn't get you anything.

Kaylee: [regarding Simon's cake] Come on, Doc. Give a good blow.

Bester: No can do, Cap. Secondary grav boot's shot.
Kaylee: No it ain't. [getting dressed] Ain't nothing wrong with your grav boot. Grav boot's just fine. Hello.
Bester: She don't... that's not... [to Kaylee:] No it ain't!
Kaylee: Sure it is. Grav boot ain't your trouble. I seen the trouble plain as day when I 's down there on my back. Your reg couple's bad.

Mal: I need that in Captain Dummy Talk.

Simon: Suffocation's not exactly the most dignified way to go. The human body will involuntarily --
Inara: [interrupting him] Please, I don't really require a clinical description right now.
Simon: I'm sorry. I just... [beat] It was my birthday.

Wash: I guess the news that we're all gonna be purple and bloated and fetal in a few hours has made me little snippy.

Wash: Right. Because teenage pranks are fun when you're about to die.

Mal: I'm not leaving Serenity.
Inara: Mal — you don't have to die alone.
Mal: Everybody dies alone.

Mal: Well. Looks can be deceiving.
Jayne: Not as deceiving as a low down dirty... deceiver.
Mal: Well said. Wasn't that well said, Zoë?
Zoë: Had a kind poetry to it, sir.

Jayne: You want I should shoot 'em now, Marco?
Marco: Wait until they tell us where they put the stuff.
Jayne: That's a good idea. A good idea. Tell us where the stuff's at so I can shoot ya.
Mal: Point of interest? Offering to shoot us, don't work so well as an incentive as you might imagine.

Mal: I mean, let's say you did kill us. Or didn't. There could be torture. Whatever.

Mal: Zoë, I'm paying you too much.

Mal: You all gonna be here when I wake up?

Ariel

Wash: Can I use companion as a verb?

Simon: Could you not do that while we're... ever?

River: He looks better in red.

Mal: The patients were cynical and not responding and we couldn't bring them back.

Mal: Pupils were fixed and dilapidated -- Simon: Dilated.

Jayne: If I had wanted schooling, I'da gone to school.

Simon: For this to work, River and I will have to be dead. Jayne: Huh. I'm starting to like this plan.

Mal: Look, you got a little stabbed the other day. That's bound to make anyone a mite ornery.

Jayne: Maybe I'll give him a tattoo while he's out.

River: Your toes are in the sand.

Zoë: Can we fly somewhere with a beach? Wash: Maybe a naked beach? Zoë: Ooh.

Zoë: Sorry, sir. Didn't mean to enjoy the moment.

Jayne: You stop flapping that pretty mouth at me.

Mal: Just once I'd like things to go according to the gorram plan.

River: Two by two. Hands of blue. Two by two.

Jayne: Make something up. Don't tell 'em what I did.

River: Time to go to sleep. Simon: No, mei-mei... it's time to wake up.

War Stories

Book: Yes, I'd forgotten you're moonlighting as a criminal mastermind now. Got your next heist planned? Simon: No. But I'm thinking about growing a big black mustache. I'm a traditionalist.

Mal: I love the pitter-patter of tiny feet, in huge combat boots.

[Kaylee triumphantly holds up the apple she wrested from a playful River.] Kaylee: No power in the 'verse can stop me.

'[Zoë is telling the crew about a close trench conflict with the Alliance during the war.] Zoë: We mentioned that we were out of rations, and 10 minutes later, a bunch of apples rained into the trench. Wash: And they grew into a big tree, and they all climbed up the tree into a magical land with unicorns and a harp.

Wash: But these apples are healthsome, good. Jayne: Grenades cost extra.

Zoë: Is there any way I'm gonna get out of this with honor and dignity? Wash: You're pretty much down to ritual suicide, lambie-toes.

Wash: I am a large, semi-muscular man. I can take it.

[Simon asks River how she's doing.] River: [smiles] Played with Kaylee. The sun came out, and… I walked on my feet, and… heard with my ears. [more raggedly] I ate the bits. The bits did stay down. And I work. I… function like I'm a girl. [sobbing] I hate it because I know it'll go away. The sun goes dark, and chaos is come again. It's fluids! What am I?! Simon: You are my beautiful sister. River: I-I threw up on your bed. Simon: Yep. Definitely my sister.

[Repeated line, when Jayne spots Inara with her female client.] Jayne: I'll be in my bunk.

Wash: I can't stand the thought of something happening that might cause you two to come back with another thrilling tale of bonding and adventure.

Wash: Hey, I've been in a firefight before! Well, I was in a fire. Actually, I was fired from a fry-cook opportunity.

Wash: Now I'm learning about scary.

Wash: I don't want you to spare me, Mal. If you think you know what's happening, then you tell me. You wouldn't spare Zoe if she were in this situation with you, would you? You would be planning, and plotting and... possibly scheming. So whatever Zoe would do in this instance is what I wanna do. Do you know why? No matter how ugly it gets, you two always come back with the stories. So... I'm Zoe. Now, what do I do? Mal: Probably not talk quite so much. Wash: Terse? I can be terse. Once in flight school, I was laconic.

Wash: I mean, I'm the one she swore to love, honor and obey. Mal: Listen... She swore to obey? Wash: No, but that's the point! You she obeys! She obeys you! There's obeying going on right under my nose!

Jayne: Could be he's harboring some resentment at us for putting his man through our engine.

Wash: Bastard's not gonna get days.

[regarding Mal's severed ear] Simon: Well, it's a clean cut. With the right equipment, I should be able to reattach it. That's assuming there's a head.

Mal: We're starting a book club?

Wash: Grenades? Zoë: Oh, yes. Thank you, dear.

Zoë: Preacher, don't the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killing? Book: Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps.

Niska: You died, Mr. Reynolds. Mal: Seemed like the thing to do.

Jayne: Smellin' a lot of "if" comin' off this plan.

Zoë: Okay, people... If it moves, shoot it. Kaylee: Unless it's the Captain! Zoë: Unless it's the Captain.

Mal: You want to meet the real me now?

[After River, facing away from her aim, plugs three men with three shots, she turns to Kaylee.] River: No power in the 'verse can stop me.

Mal: Haven't you killed me enough for one day?

[The rescue team comes upon Mal struggling with his torturer; Zoë stops the others from interfering] Zoë: This is something the Captain has to do for himself. Mal: No! No, it's not! Zoë: Oh. [Zoë, Jayne and Wash shoot the torturer.]

Wash: Mmm. Wife soup. I must have done good.

[Mal tells Zoë about his and Wash's in-torture discussion about getting past Zoë's supposed unrequited passion for the Captain.] Mal: I know it's a difficult mission, but you and I... have to get it on. Zoë: I understand. We have no choice. [Jayne arrives.] Zoë: [deadpan] Take me, sir. Take me hard. Jayne: Now something about that is just downright unsettlin'. [As Zoë and Mal awkwardly move to kiss, Wash gets up and drags Zoë off.] Wash: We'll be in our bunk.

Trash

The Message

Tracey: When you can't run anymore, you crawl... and when you can't do that -- Zoë: You find someone to carry you.

Simon: Yup, it's a cow fetus. Kaylee: I guess so. It does seem to have an awful lot of limbs. Simon: It's mutated. Kaylee: But cow? How do you figure? Simon: It's upside down. Kaylee [turning head to view]: Oh yeah. Cow.

'Wash: Oh my god, it's grotesque! Oh, and there's something in a jar. 'Zoë: Scared her away again, did you? 'Simon: This may come as a shock, but I'm actually not very good at talking to girls. 'Zoë: Why, is there someone you are good at talking to? Wash: [to a jar with a cow fetus, mock-serious] Do not fear me. Ours is a peaceful race, and we must live in harmony...

River: [trying to eat an 'ice-planet' frozen treat] My food is problematic. 'Jayne: Girl's a mind-readin' genius, can't even figure out how to eat ice planet.

Jayne: I got post? Book: Might we all want to step a few paces back before he opens that? Jayne: Ha ha. It's from my mother.

Inara: So, do aliens live among us? Kaylee: Yeah. One of them's a doctor.

Jayne: [wearing ugly homemade hat] How's it sit? Pretty cunning, don't you think?

Kaylee: I think it's the sweetest hat ever.
Wash: A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything.
Jayne: Damn straight.

Jayne: What'd y'all order a dead guy for?

Tracey: Thanks. Didn't know you were out there. Zoë: That's sort of the point. Stealth, you may have heard of it. Tracey: I don't think they covered that in basic. Zoë: Well, at least they covered 'Dropping your weapon so you can eat beans and get yourself shot'. Tracey: Yeah, I got a badge in that. [seriously] Won't happen again. Zoë: It does, I'm just gonna watch.

Mal: Oh! That was bracing. They don't like it when you shoot at them. I worked that out myself.

Mal: Vitelli's out of it. That bumblebee laid down arms at the first sign of inevitable crushing defeat, can you imagine such a cowardly creature?

Jayne: We're taking him on board? Mal: We are. Jayne: Don't know if I see the percentage in that. Mal: Don't strain your brain trying. You might break something.

Tracey: [recorded message] Uh, okay. Uh, recording. Hi, I guess. This is a message for Zoë, and for Malcolm Reynolds. And I really hope you all are the ones listening to it. I'll spare you the boring details. I've fallen in with untrustworthy folk. Makin' a bunch of bad calls. All that matters is I expect to be shuffled off. And you two are the only people I trust to get me where I'm going, which is home. I'd like my body to be with my folks on St. Albans. We got the family plot there, and my Mom and Dad, well, they deserve to know I died. You know, it's funny. We went to the war never lookin' to come back, but it's the real world I couldn't survive. You two carried me through that war. Now I need you to carry me just a little bit further, if you can. Tell my folks I wanted to do right by them and that I'm at peace, and all. When you can't run anymore, you crawl, and when you can't do that, well-- Yeah, you know the rest. Thanks, both of you. Oh, yeah, and make sure my eyes is closed, will ya?

[gathered around the table, laughing] Mal: I thought I was gonna die. Inara: How could he possibly-- Mal: Oh, the colonel was dead drunk. Three hours pissin' on about the enlisted men, 'they're scum, they're not fighters', and then he passed right out. Boom. Zoë: We couldn't even move him. So Tracey just snipped it right off his face. Mal: And you've never seen a man more proud of his moustache than Colonel Obrin. I mean, in all my life I will never love a woman the way this officer loved that lip ferret. Zoë: Big walrus-y thing--all waxed up! Inara: Did he find out? Mal: Oh! Next mornin', he wakes up, it's gone and he is furious! But he can't just say, you know, 'someone stole my moustache!' So he calls us together, all the platoons... Zoë: We thought he was gonna shoot us! Mal: ...and, oh he's eye-ballin' all the men somethin' fierce. Not a word. And he comes up to Tracey, and Tracey's wearing the gorram thing on his face! Zoë: He had glued it on! Mal: He's starin' the old man down wearing his own damn moustache!

Jayne: Spry for a dead fella!

Mal: All right. You wanna explain to me why you got yourself all corpsified and mailed to me?

Mal: So, your innards ain't your innards?

Heart of Gold

Inara: Hi. Mal: BWAA! Inara: Sorry. I didn't mean to startle. Mal: You didn't. I was just, uh — BWAAA! That's more like a... It's a warrior like... Strikes fear into the hearts of...

Mal: You know, not altogether wise, sneaking up on a fella when he's handling his weapon. Inara: I'm sure I've heard that said.

Inara: It sounds like something this crew can handle. I can't guarantee they'll handle it particularly well, but -- Nandi: If they got guns, and brains at all -- Inara: They've got guns.

Inara: I suppose you heard most of that? Mal: Only because I was eavesdropping.

Jayne: Don't much see the benefit in getting involved in strangers' troubles without a upfront price negotiated. Book: These people need assistance. The benefit wouldn't necessarily be for you. Jayne: S'what I'm sayin'

Jayne: 'Cause I don't know these folks. Don't much care to. Mal: They're whores. Jayne: I'm in.

Mal: Well, any friend of Inara's is a strictly businesslike relationship of mine.

Mal: I'll introduce you to the rest later. They're good folk. Jayne: Can I start getting sexed already? Mal: Well, that one's kind of horrific.

Wash: You'd really lie with someone being paid for it? Kaylee: Well, it's not like anyone else is lining up to, you know, examine me...

Jayne: Oh, my John Thomas is gonna pop off and fly around the room, there's so much tasty here. Wash: Would be you get your most poetical about your pecker.

Kaylee: Wash, tell me I'm pretty... Wash: Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion. Kaylee: 'Cause I'm pretty? Wash: 'Cause you're pretty.

Mal: Inara, think you could stoop to being on my arm? Inara: Will you wash it first?

Mal: Nothing worse than a monster who thinks he's right with God.

Nandi: It's who I am. And it's my home. I'm not going anywhere.

Mal: Well, lady, I must say — You're my kinda stupid.

Zoë: I don't give a good gorram about relevant, Wash. Or objective. And I ain't so afraid of losing something that I ain't gonna try to have it. You and I would make one beautiful baby. And I want to meet that child one day. Period.

Mal: Well, we're an odd conglomeration. Got a preacher, a married fellah, and the doctor... well he'd have to relax for thirty seconds to get his play, and that'd be more or less a miracle.

Inara: How many babies have you actually delivered? Simon: As the primary? This would be the first. You? Inara: My first too. River: Mine too.

Mal: Miss Nandi, I have a confession to make. Nandi: Maybe I should get the Shepherd. Mal: Well, I ain't sinned yet, and I'd feel a little more than awkward having him here when I did.

Nandi: Malcolm, I been waiting for you to kiss me since I showed you my guns.

Nandi: You okay with this? Mal: [after kissing her] I'm just waiting to see if I pass out. Long story.

Inara: So you took to bed with Nandi. I'm glad. Mal: Glad? Inara: Yes! She's a dear friend, and probably in need of some comfort about now. Mal: So you're okay. Well, yeah. Why wouldn't you be? Inara: I wouldn't say I'm entirely okay. I'm a little appalled at her taste.

Kaylee: Captain seem a little funny to you at breakfast this morning? Wash: Come on, Kaylee. We all know I'm the funny one.

Jayne: Whoa now, girl, that's just plain dirty... Mal: Jayne, you aware your radio's transmittin'? Cause I ain't feelin' particular girlish or dirty at the moment.

Jayne: Mal! Looks like we got some imminent violence!

Petaline: Rance... this is Jonah. Jonah, say hi to your daddy. [Petaline shoots Rance] Say goodbye to your daddy, Jonah.

Objects in Space

Simon: Are you Alliance? Jubal Early: Am I a lion? Simon: What? Early: I don't think of myself as a lion. You might as well, though - I have a mighty roar. Simon: Ummm, I said 'Alliance'. Early: Oh. That's weird.

Simon: So you're a bounty hunter. Early: No, that ain't it at all. Simon: Then what are you? Early: I'm a bounty hunter.



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